Valley of Corrupted Sanity
by PyroStriker
Summary: My first attempt at writing humor. Reviews good, yes... PG-13 for bashing of all characters and censored swearing. Chapter 12: Doel is captured by a tribe of cow-worshipping cannibals, with hilarious results.
1. Of Starbucks and Zippo Lighters

Author's Note: My pathetic attempt at comedy. Feel free to flame till your fingers drop off from typing. You can sense I'm a little pessimistic, but let's get right to the point.  
  
Disclamer: I do not own LoD, Babbage's, Star Fox Adventures, Borders, Bill Nye the Science Guy, Starbucks, Sephiroth, Adolf Hitler (thank goodness), Janet Reno, or Zippo Lighters. I stole them all. The only thing I own in this fic is me. So there.  
  
Chapter 1  
  
*Striker (me) is standing outside Babbage's at his local mall, trying to get a copy of Star Fox Adventures. Suddenly, a weird man who looks like a mad scientist runs by, chasing a duck*  
  
Striker: What the hell?  
  
Duck: *jumps into Striker's face*  
  
Striker: Damn duck! *throws it to the floor*  
  
Mad Scientist Dude: NO! DON'T TOUCH THAT DUCK!  
  
Too late.  
  
Striker: *kicks the duck*  
  
Duck: *quacks*  
  
Mad Scientist: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
*a giant swirling portal opens in the middle of the mall, and all nine Dragoons and Lloyd fall out, very dizzy*  
  
Mad Scientist: Do you realize what you have done?  
  
Striker: No, but I have a feeling you're going to give me an extremely long explanation.  
  
Mad Scientist: Not really. The duck only quacks when it's been hurt, and when it quacks, a portal opens to a parallel universe! It was a failure of mine.  
  
Striker: I see... So now the Dragoons are stuck here?  
  
Mad Scientist: Yep. Now I'm going to go, because my entire purpose in this story is to give a plausible reason for the Dragoons to come here.  
  
Striker: Good riddance. I hate ducks.  
  
Dart: Where the hell are we?  
  
Albert: It appears we have been transported through an extradimensional portal into the future in a parallel universe.  
  
Dart: -_-; Did you swallow a dictionary as a kid or something?  
  
Albert: Probably not. There is considerable doubt that a reference volume would fit down my esophagus, especially as a youth. Besides, in order to find advanced synonyms, one would require a thesaurus, not a dictionary.  
  
All except Albert: -_-  
  
Kongol: Kongol hungry.  
  
Lavitz: What else is new?  
  
Lloyd: Didn't I kill you?  
  
Lavitz: So? You died at the end too, and so did Rose.  
  
Rose: *lying flat on face* Zeeeeeeeiiiiiiiig...  
  
Miranda: #$^% &#^%'s @&^#'n @%$#!  
  
Shana: Did she just construct a sentence composed entirely of swearing?  
  
Albert: I have approximated that precisely 57.9% of her spoken words are considered obscenities.  
  
Striker: *speaks up for the first time* You can't approximate something precisely. That's an oxymoron.  
  
Albert: Yes, well, um...  
  
Meru: Who the hell are you?  
  
Haschel: Who cares? He can make Albert look like an idiot! He'll fit right in!  
  
Striker: I brought you all here by kicking a duck.  
  
Dart: O_o A duck?  
  
Striker: *shrugs*  
  
Dart: OooooooK... what do we do now?  
  
Striker: It doesn't really matter. Go... oh hell, I can't think of anything. Here's some cash, go blow it on whatever you want.  
  
All Dragoons and Lloyd: *look at each other* *run off*  
  
Striker: *sigh* What have I done?  
  
Lavitz: *stayed behind* You have brought doom upon us all. *lights a cigarette*  
  
Striker: O_o Where did you find those?  
  
Lavitz: Half empty pack behind the trash can.  
  
Striker: Oh... what about the matches?  
  
Lavitz: Swiped them off you when you weren't looking.  
  
Striker: *checks pockets* .- Hey! I thought knights were supposed to be honorable and all that crap!  
  
Lavitz: Screw that. I'm dead, remember?  
  
Striker: Oh yeah.  
  
Lavitz: ...  
  
Striker: ...  
  
Lavitz: ...  
  
Striker: ...  
  
Lavitz: ...  
  
Striker: ...Wanna go get a pizza?  
  
Lavitz: What the hell is a pizza?  
  
Striker: Cheesey greasy goodness! C'mon!  
  
*Both leave*  
  
*A few hours later, Albert walks out of a Borders with a gigantic stack of books*  
  
Albert: *gasp* Can it be? *drops books* Yes! IT IS!  
  
Kongol: *walks over with a stuffed zebra on his head* What Albert king talking about?  
  
Albert: *points* It's...  
  
Flock of Kids that suddenly appears: BILL NYE THE SCIENCE GUY!  
  
Kongol: Who that? Science guy strong?  
  
Albert: My comrade, if knowledge is power, that man is SOA!  
  
Kongol: Puny science man not look so strong to Kongol.  
  
Albert and Kids: *rush over and encircle BN the SG with excited squeals*  
  
BN the SG: OK kids, let's do a nifty experiment! Let's put a couple of marshmellows in this super-cold vat of liquid nitrogen and see what happens!  
  
Albert and Kids: *all cheer*  
  
BN the SG: While we're waiting, let's sing my theme song!  
  
*theme song starts*  
  
Kids and Albert: *start singing*  
  
Kongol: AH! *covers ears*  
  
Striker: *walks over, and sees Albert dancing while singing the Bill Nye Song*  
  
Albert: *pathetic attempt at dancing* Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill Nye the Science Guy!  
  
Striker: O_o Dude, is Albert stoned?  
  
Kongol: *still covering ears* What?  
  
Striker: Nevermind.  
  
Kongol: Kongol hate evil song! Kongol SMASH PUNY SCIENCE MAN! *grabs axe and cleaves BN the SG's skull in two*  
  
BN the SG: *dies*  
  
Albert: No! *faints*  
  
Kids: Oh my God! They killed Bill Nye the Science Guy and that weird girl with the ponytail!  
  
Albert: *wakes up* I'm a guy!  
  
Kids: Oh.  
  
Striker: Come on, we'd better go now. I think the Mall Rent-A-Cops are coming. *uses his author magic to eliminate all material evidence, then wipes the kids' memories*  
  
************************************************************************  
  
Lloyd: *walks into a Starbucks* What is this place?  
  
Random Customer: This is a Starbucks, dude?  
  
Lloyd: Star... bucks?  
  
Random Customer: Yeah, Starbucks. You know, coffee.  
  
Lloyd: Coffee?  
  
Random Customer: O_o Yeah, the hot liquid stuff?  
  
Lloyd: Hmm... I suppose I will have to sample this 'coffee'.  
  
*after a few minutes, Lloyd reaches the front of the line*  
  
Guy at Counter: Hello sir, can I recommend a double latte with whipped cream?  
  
Lloyd: Uh... sure.  
  
Guy at Counter: *hands him a steaming styrofoam cup*  
  
Lloyd: *drinks it* *waits* This is it? *caffine buzz kicks in* WHOA! This stuff is great! I want the biggest size you have!  
  
Guy at Counter: Uh, sir, that IS the biggest size we carry.  
  
Lloyd: *eyes narrow* *draws Dragon Buster* No, I don't think so. I want the BIGGEST size you have, with extra EVERYTHING. Got it?  
  
Guy at Counter: *gulps and edges away from the big flaming sword* Yes sir. Have another double latte while you're waiting.  
  
Lloyd: Yes, that will work quite nicely.  
  
Some Other Guy in Line: Hey, what about us?  
  
Lloyd: *turns around* SILENCE, FOOLS! I MUST HAVE MY COFFEE! *waves Dragon Buster around*  
  
Other People in Line: *sloooooooowly edge towards other register*  
  
Lloyd: *keeps consuming double lattes while he waits for his super-sized cup*  
  
*about half an hour later*  
  
Lloyd: *teeth chattering, eyes twitching, body convulsing*  
  
Guy at Counter: Your super-sized latte with extra everything is ready, sir. *wheels out a luggage cart like the ones they use at airports, with a coffee cup the size of a refridgerator*  
  
Lloyd: *gasp* O_O It's so... beautiful... YAHOO! *dives headfirst into the hole on the lid* *can't reach the coffee* NOOOOOOOO! *tries to pull head out* I'm stuck! *struggles to get head free* Must... have... coffee!  
  
*two hours later*  
  
Striker: Let's see... Eyewitnesses recall seeing Lloyd enter here about two hours ago. *walks into the Starbucks, and glimpses the lower body of Lloyd sticking out of a giant coffee cup* *sarcastically* Hmm... who could this be?  
  
Lloyd: Shut up and get me out of here!  
  
Striker: How'd you get in there in the first place?  
  
Lloyd: Well, I threatened the guy at the counter into getting me this giant latte, and while I was waiting, they gave me $100 worth of free lattes to keep me from killing them all. So, I was on a huge caffine buzz when they finally finished this, and I dived in headfirst. Then my head got stuck. So I've been sitting here with my head stuck in a %$&^#@^ coffee cup for the past two hours!  
  
Striker: How could you remember how much all the free lattes added up to?  
  
Lloyd: I've been stuck in here for TWO HOURS. I did the math.  
  
Striker: I see. During these two hours, did it occur to you at any point that you have a giant flaming sword with which you could have easily freed your head? Or better yet, you could have used your bare hands. The cup is made of styrofoam, for crying out loud!  
  
Lloyd: *silence*  
  
Striker: Duh.  
  
Lloyd: Shut up, pathetic human! I was getting to that, but I didn't want to damage the holy coffee unless I had to!  
  
Striker: *sarcastically* Oh, of course. So you spent two hours trying to find an alternate solution.  
  
Lloyd: I TOLD YOU TO SHUT UP! *draws Dragon Buster*  
  
Striker: It would be easier to use your hands...  
  
Lloyd: This isn't about efficiency, it's about dignity! I spent two hours with my head stuck in a coffee cup, I want to salvage as much of my dignity as I can. Nothing says that you're dignified like a huge flaming sword!  
  
Striker: Whatever...  
  
Other Customers: *see Dragon Buster, and remembering earlier incident at counter, totally freak and stampede for the exit*  
  
Giant Coffee Cup: *gets knocked over during stampede*  
  
Lloyd: *scalding hot coffee pours onto his head* AAAAAAAAAAAAH! THE PAIN!  
  
Striker: It appears that due to the fact that your head blocked the only entryway for air into the cup, that the coffee is still hot.  
  
Lloyd: *slices open lid and withdraws head* *hair is singed off, and burns scar face* *feels his head* Oh no... I'M NOT PRETTY ANYMORE! NOW I'M JUST A WUSS WITH A BIG SWORD! *starts running in circles* Wait a second... *screeches to a halt* Long silver hair, big sword, mysterious actions and motives... oh my Soa... I'M A SEPHIROTH CLONE! MY LIFE HAS LOST ITS PURPOSE! AAAAAAAAAAAAH! *resumes running in circles*  
  
Striker: *sighs and exits Starbucks*  
  
************************************************************************  
  
Dart: *walks over* Hey guys, guess what?  
  
Striker: Hmm... let me think... Adolf Hitler escaped to South America after World War II, got plastic surgery, and now lives on as Janet Reno?  
  
Dart: Umm... no.  
  
Striker: Extraterrestrial green-and-purple-spotted emus have taken over China?  
  
Dart: Nope.  
  
Striker: Somebody hit the duck again, another portal opened, and Melbu Frahma came out?  
  
Dart: Jeez, I hope not.  
  
Striker: Hoo boy... this one's tough... hmm... Albert finally got a haircut?  
  
Albert: Hey!  
  
Dart: *shakes head*  
  
Striker: All right, I give up. What?  
  
Dart: I found this weird metal box that makes fire when you push this lever! *produces an ordinary lighter*  
  
Striker: O_o Dude. That's a Zippo lighter.  
  
Dart: Zippo? That's it! I'll name you Zippo! *hugs lighter*  
  
Striker: *sighs*  
  
************************************************************************  
  
Author's Note: Whee, that's Chapter 1! Good? Bad? The crappiest thing you've ever read? Go ahead, review, I'm not afraid!  
  
Meru: Yes you are...  
  
Striker: O_O GAH! WINGLY ON SPEED! *runs* 


	2. Dragoons plus Alcohol equals Insanity

Author's Note: No, you cannot go around kicking ducks and hoping Lavitz will fall out. It was a SPECIAL duck, and you can't have it. Who knows what havoc that duck could wreak if let loose on an unsuspecting world. Besides, I have a feeling poor Lavitz would suffer some serious brain damage if he came to this world. The hordes of glomping fangirls and so on...  
  
No, I'm not insulting Starbucks. I'm fourteen, I don't drink coffee. *ducks* So don't hurt me. *had some BAAAAD experiences with staplers*  
  
Chapter 2  
  
*All nine Dragoons, Lloyd, and the somehow-still-sane Striker are sitting in a bar. Albert and Lloyd are mourning their losses in the corner, Albert moping over the death of Bill Nye the Science Guy, and Lloyd sobbing over the loss of both his life's purpose and his prettiness. Rose is sitting in her usual shadowy corner, drinking a glass of red wine (Probably trying to pretend it's blood. What's the betting she sprouts fangs and starts attacking young children in LoD2?). Kongol has a very large glass of bourbon and is already starting to turn red. Shana is being her usual whiny goody-two-shoes self and not drinking anything. Haschel and Miranda both have beer and are about to engage in a drinking contest. Dart and Lavitz have vodka and are swapping bets on the upcoming contest. Striker and Meru, who are too young to drink, have soda. Striker is on his second can of Mountain Dew, while Meru has already consumed two dozen orange sodas and is still going strong.*  
  
Dart: I've got twenty bucks on the old man.  
  
Lavitz: *snorts in derision* I've got thirty on the blonde with PMS.  
  
Striker: Tell you what. I'll bet fifty that their faces both hit the counter at once.  
  
Dart and Lavitz: Yeah right! *they all shake on it*  
  
Kongol: E equals mc squared. We hold these truths to be self evident, that all men are created equal, and that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights; and that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.  
  
Dart: It figures. Alcohol makes most people stupid, but it turns Kongol into a genius.  
  
Rose: *muttering to herself and stroking her blade* Preciousssss...  
  
Dart, Lavitz, and Striker: O_o  
  
*Everyone goes back to watching the drinking contest. About twenty minutes later, the pile of empty beer bottles is getting very large. Haschel and Miranda are both looking more than a little wasted*  
  
Haschel: Claire... ish thish the way yuh-ooh felt when you firsht met Zeig?  
  
Dart: .- Hey! Watch it, old man!  
  
Miranda: &#^% ^@&$# beer #&@^ ^#&%'in &^#$ geezer! @#$#!  
  
Lavitz, who by some miracle is still sober: Did Miranda just mispronounce a swear word? MIRANDA?  
  
Dart: How can you tell? It's all censored out anyway.  
  
Lavitz: *turns to Striker* What's up with that, anyway? The fic's already PG-13, why don't you just not censor the swearing?  
  
Striker: I find that it's much easier to censor them and let the readers use their imaginations than to actually put the words in and have to figure out sentence structure for a paragraph made entirely of cursing.  
  
Dart: So you really are a lazy ass.  
  
Striker: *shrugs* I let that one through. Besides, my teachers prefer to call it 'not working to my full potential', even though I get straight A's. I mean, what have they got to complain about?  
  
Haschel and Miranda: *take this extremely well-timed opportunity to elegantly slam their heads against the counter, unconscious*  
  
Striker: Damn straight! Pay up, punks! *collects his winnings from Dart and Lavitz* *elates in victory*  
  
Lavitz: *mumbles* I think you rigged that...  
  
Striker: Well, DUH! I'm the author! I can do anything I want!  
  
Lavitz: I just thought of something. If you're the author, what do you need money for? You have an unlimited supply!  
  
Striker: It's not about money, it's about bragging rights. My betting skills brought the financial whooping down on the spikey asses of your wallets!  
  
Dart and Lavitz: O_o?  
  
Striker: *shrugs* It just sounded cool in some way to my twisted mind. Sue me.  
  
Meru: FortheloveofSoa! Darttheoldman'sdead! *bouncing up and down in chair*  
  
Dart: No he's not, Meru, he's just so $%&#ing wasted he can't stand up.  
  
Striker: O_o You can actually understand what she's saying?  
  
Dart: *shrugs* It's Meru. You get used to the accelerated talking speed after a while.  
  
Meru: Thisplaceisboring! Iwanttogosomeplaceelse!  
  
Shana: *in her whiniest, most annoying voice* Daaaaaaaaaaaart! This place is disgusting! You promised me last night we'd go shopping together!  
  
Dart: . *mumbles something under his breath*  
  
Striker: *flow of testosterone causes some very *ahem* interesting images to form in his mind at that sentence* *smacks self* Damn puberty! . Eeeeeeevil thoughts...  
  
Rose: *eye twitches* That's it! Meru, hold her down!  
  
Meru: *super-hyper, Wingly-on-48-cans-of-orange-soda excited squeal* *slams Shana down on the counter and sits on her* ^_^  
  
Striker: O_o  
  
Rose: *force-feeds Shana a bottle of very potent whiskey* That should shut her up.  
  
Shana: *struggles until alcohol kicks in* *drunken giggle* *head tips back and forth in that woozy way you get when you're totally wasted* *eyes focus* DART! ^_^ *latches onto his arm* Oh Dart... let's get married...  
  
Dart: O_O *drops his glass of vodka, which shatters on the floor* Mar... ried? *secret abysmal phobia of commitment kicks in* SWEET SOA, LORD OF CREATION, WHERE ARE YOU NOW? *by some miracle manages to detach his arm from Shana* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! *runs out of the bar at top speed, arms flailing, screaming incoherently*  
  
Shana: Daaaaaart... *by another miracle manages to get to her feet* *stands there for twenty seconds, trying to remember what she was doing* oh yeah... ...waaaaaaaaaaaaait! *stumbles after him*  
  
Everyone else who is still concious: *pointing and laughing their asses off*  
  
Rose: I have got to see what happens next. Coming, Meru?  
  
Meru: *super-hyper giggle* *grabs camcorder and follows Rose*  
  
Lloyd: *still sobbing over his lost bishonen status* Why did you leave me?  
  
Striker: Oh, for crying out loud! *restores Lloyd's pre-Starbucks visage*  
  
Lloyd: *instantly happy again* YES! I AM PRETTY ONCE MORE! NOW BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP ME FOR THE GOD THAT I AM!  
  
Striker: -_- Yeah, yeah. Now get your spikey ass in gear and let's move, pretty-boy.  
  
Haschel, Kongol, and Miranda: *wake up*  
  
Kongol: *sleepily* Force equals mass times acceleration...  
  
Albert: *crying* Oh William, why didst thou die? I knew thee well... it was not thy time!  
  
Kongol: O_o Albert king still... what you call it? 'Stoned'?  
  
Striker: *pats Kongol on the back* No, Kongol. Albert just needs sometime alone. Let's go. *everyone minus Albert leaves*  
  
************************************************************************  
  
*An hour or so later, everyone minus Shana (who is still stumbling around drunkenly searching for Dart) is looking up at Dart, who is sitting on the head of a statue dedicated to some unimportant guy (Has anyone else noticed how many of those there are in malls?), hiding from Shana and playing with his lighter*  
  
Dart: Oh, Zippo... you're my only friend. *hugs Zippo* Never leave me, Zippo... *accidently burns self* #%&^! *drops Zippo* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! *Zippo clatters to the floor*  
  
Striker: O_o It's just on the floor. Climb down and pick it up, if you want it so badly.  
  
Dart: But what about Shana?  
  
Striker: *waves hand* She's off puking her guts out somewhere.  
  
Dart: OK! *climbs down statue and picks up lighter* Yahoo! Dart and Zippo, Defenders of Justice, are reunited once again! *strikes a pose*  
  
Albert: *bursts out laughing*  
  
Dart: *eye twitch* INFIDEL! YOU DARE INSULT ME? THE ALMIGHTY ZIPPO WILL BRING SWIFT JUSTICE UPON YOUR FOUL HEAD! *douses Albert in gasoline and lights him on fire*  
  
Albert: O_O *all semblance of dignity is lost* *starts running around in circles flailing his arms*  
  
Striker: I suppose mentioning stop, drop, and roll wouldn't do much good at this point.  
  
Lavitz: Probably not. *holds a cigarette out in Albert's path, which causes it to light when Albert runs past*  
  
Striker: *sigh* Meru, would you mind doing something about that?  
  
Meru: K! *brandishes her nightmare-inducing hammer (Stop laughing at me! If you're not scared by that hammer, you should be!), and smacks Albert in the face*  
  
Albert: *falls to the floor, comatose, but still on fire*  
  
Striker: -_- I meant something more along the lines of putting out the FIRE.  
  
Meru. Oh. Icandothattoo. *transforms and puts out the fire* *duck runs by* DUCK! *lifts her hammer like a golf club* FORE!  
  
Striker: NO! Don't...  
  
Meru: *smacks duck*  
  
Duck: *goes flying* *quacks*  
  
Portal: *opens again, spilling out Doel, Greham, and Melbu Frahma*  
  
Melbu Frahma: YES! I AM RELEASED!  
  
Striker: Damn duck. .- OK, listen, this is MY fic, so get out. NOW.  
  
Melbu: INSOLENT HUMAN! I SHALL CLEANSE THIS WORLD WITH SWEET CHAOS!  
  
Dart: Yayhoo! Fight time! Zippo shall smite them!  
  
Striker: -_- Nevermind that. *kicks Melbu in the shin*  
  
Melbu: O_O Owie! *jumps up and down on one foot* FOOLISH HUMAN! YOU WILL FEEL ENDLESS TORMENT! Doel! Greham! Exterminate him!  
  
Striker: *eye twitches* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! *tackles Melbu and starts beating the &^$% out of him* YOU ANNOYING PROGENY OF A SHEEP! YOU'RE JUST LIKE ALL OF THE OTHER VIDEO GAME VILLAINS! YOU TALK BIG, BUT WHENEVER THE GOOD GUYS ARE ABOUT TO KICK YOUR ASS YOU EITHER WIMP OUT AND TELEPORT AWAY OR SEND SOME STUPID LITTLE LACKEY TO DO YOUR DIRTY WORK! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH THAT PISSES ME OFF!?  
  
Melbu: Urk... *is now a red smear on the ground*  
  
Striker: *turns evil eye on Doel and Greham* EITHER OF YOU PLANNING ON GIVING ME ANY CRAP?  
  
Doel and Greham: O_O  
  
Striker: *vein starts twitching in head* WELL?  
  
Doel and Greham: No! Of course not, almighty author!  
  
Striker: Damn straight! Nobody is to cause mayhem or destruction except me, unless I SPECIFICALLY STATE OTHERWISE. *turns to Dragoons* That goes for you too. ALL OF YOU. Understood?  
  
All except Melbu Frahma, who is still a bloody heap on the ground: *sloooooowly nod the way people always do when they're dealing with crazy people*  
  
Striker: Good. *exhales* Now, I have an appointment with my therapist. It's time for my anger management seminar. *leaves*  
  
Kongol: O_o Psycho kid scare Kongol.  
  
Meru: Nokidding! Holycraptheguy'satotalwhackjoband... *explodes*  
  
Striker: I heard that.  
  
************************************************************************  
  
Author's Note: Whee, Chapter 2 over! Wasn't as funny as the first one, but it was kind of amusing to see Shana get wasted (at least, I thought it was funny). Don't worry, Meru is not dead forever. She will be alive and well (and hopefully not as hyper) next chapter. Doel and Greham join the group! Yay! Don't forget to review. Release your reviews into the wild, where they can run and frolick in Review... erm... land. K? *rides off on his plastic tricycle* 


	3. The Unnamed Chapter

Author's Note: Aerena, you hate almost half of the characters. O_o Striker likes Dart and Albert, but then again, the only character in LoD Striker actually hates is Shana. Meru just scares him, he likes Albert, Lavitz, Dart, and Rose, and all the other characters he doesn't really care one way or the other. Striker also likes talking about Striker in the third person. But then again, guys like Striker like all the characters that are good in combat, while girls... oh hell, Striker's not going to even attempt to fathom the way women's minds work. Striker gave up on that a long time ago.  
  
Anyway, Striker forgot the disclamer from last chapter, which means that you lucky people get to read not one, but TWO disclamers for this chappy! Enjoy!  
  
Disclamer for Chapter 2: I still don't own LoD, Starbucks, or Zippo Lighters, and I also don't own Mountain Dew (I just worship it for the holy beverage that it is).  
  
Disclamer for Chapter 3: I STILL don't own LoD, Starbucks, Borders, Bill Nye the Science Guy, or Zippo Lighters, and I also don't own Stratego. However, I DO own the Super-Humungo Motortricycle of Doom (note the pretty trademark sign), and Tim, so you can't have it unless you ask first.  
  
Chapter 3  
  
*Striker has returned to a brief visit to his therapist, whose office is now a pile of smoking rubble. However, the late shrink has appeared to have done his job, for the twitching in Striker's eye has been quelled considerably.*  
  
Striker: Lavitz. Status report.  
  
Lavitz: O_o Huh?  
  
Striker: -_- Where is everybody?  
  
Lavitz: Oh. Well, Dart and Haschel are playing Stratego over there and Greham's watching, Lloyd went back to Starbucks, Rose left to find an illegal arms dealer, Meru got bored and decided to spin around in circles for no reason, Albert went back to Borders to find a spellbook so he can resurrect Bill Nye the Science Guy, Kongol went to get more stuffed animals, and Miranda and Doel are terrorizing small children with their colorful language and violent antics.  
  
Striker: What about Shana?  
  
Lavitz: Since when have you given a damn about Shana? Besides, we gave up looking for her a loooong time ago.  
  
Striker: Good. *walks over to the Stratego game, where Dart is beating Haschel very badly*  
  
Haschel: Ha! My 10 takes your 4! *sticks tongue out*  
  
Greham: *has the advantage of being able to see both sides of the board* I wouldn't do that if I were you, old man...  
  
Dart: Too late! My Spy takes your 10! That makes my 10 invincible, since you lost your Spy already and my Miners took out all your bombs!  
  
Haschel: Stupid game! I refuse to be defeated, for I am the War God!  
  
Dart: *isn't really paying attention, due to the fact that he is busy melting Haschel's 10 with Zippo* Whatever you say.  
  
Haschel: I shall not lose! *stuffs all of Dart's pieces into his mouth*  
  
Greham: O_o Dude, those are plastic...  
  
Striker: *shakes head* Don't even bother. He's off in his own world now.  
  
Haschel: *muffled voice* Ha! The War God triumphs! I have won, I... *chokes* *dies*  
  
Striker: Don't you know those pieces are suitable for people under 3 years of age?  
  
Lavitz: I think he's a little older than three.  
  
Striker: Yeah, but he doesn't act like it. What with him and Meru screwing around the whole game.  
  
Greham: I wouldn't know. I got KILLED even before HE did! *jerks thumb at Lavitz*  
  
Striker: You killed his father. What do you expect?  
  
Greham: He was my best friend! I just trusted that &^$%#&^ Doel instead of Servi.  
  
Striker: Why don't you go tell HIM that? *indicates Doel, who is currently butchering a popcorn stand for no reason*  
  
Greham: I think I'll pass...  
  
Striker: *shrugs and goes to keep Doel and Miranda from bringing the complex down on their ears*  
  
Doel: *sends one of his massive swords crashing though the popcorn machine* FOOLS! I SAID EXTRA BUTTER!  
  
Striker: O_o  
  
Miranda: #&^$ %^$#'s that #&%^@# popcorn #*&%^#$#ing *$#$&#@!  
  
Striker: O_o Doel. Chill.  
  
Doel: *sloooowly turns around to face Striker* You mean to defy me?  
  
Striker: Yep.  
  
Doel: *smacks him upside the head* Idiot.  
  
Striker: *smacks him upside the head* Fool.  
  
Doel: *smacks him upside the head* Dunce.  
  
Striker: *smacks him upside the head* Dolt.  
  
Dart: What's the betting?  
  
Lavitz: I bet 20 bucks that they go on for more than an hour.  
  
Dart: Pfft. I bet 30 that they go on for more than two.  
  
Lavitz: No chance! They'll get bored by then. *they shake on it*  
  
*Two hours and 37 minutes later*  
  
Striker: *smacks him upside the head* Foolish tyrant with cerebral brain dysfunction!  
  
Doel: *smacks him upside the head* Uh... *has run out of ideas for synonyms for idiot* Damnit, where's my pansy-ass nephew when I need him?  
  
Striker: WRONG! *bashes Doel's skull in with a sledgehammer*  
  
Doel: Urk... *dies*  
  
Striker: Woohoo! Striker wins! *strikes (pardon the pun) a pose*  
  
Dart: Ha! Pay up!  
  
Lavitz: Damn. I always seem to lose these...  
  
Greham: You would think he would have done that earlier...  
  
Miranda: #$&% @#^$ing #&%$ king #&$@&#!  
  
Striker: You kiss your mother with that mouth?  
  
Miranda: *gives Striker the finger*  
  
Striker: Why thank you. *rips off the finger*  
  
Miranda: O_O #&$^!  
  
Striker: Hope you won't be needing this. *feeds it to his mutant salmon/pufferfish/catfish/bass/shark, Tim* Ah, the wonders of gene splicing. Eat up boy!  
  
Miranda: Put that &^#$ing finger back, you #$%^ing &^#$%@!  
  
Striker: *sighs* Fine. *snaps fingers, and Miranda's finger regenerates*  
  
Dart: Is it just me, or was that the most comprehensible sentence she's said in the entire fic so far?  
  
Lavitz: Who cares about that? What's with the mutant fish?  
  
Striker: Who, Tim? Tim is one of my pets! *would pet Tim, but he is covered in pufferfish spines and has catfish whiskers (both of which are poisonous, of course), as well as highly abrasive sharkskin* He also makes a great weapon. Watch! *summons Lenus out of nowhere, then smacks her in the face with Tim* *waits a couple seconds*  
  
Lenus: *screams as her flesh begins to boil* *dies*  
  
Striker: See? FUN!  
  
Lavitz: Did you say it was ONE of your pets?  
  
Striker: *nod* Want me to bring some others? Of course, I shouldn't bring Joe, he's still hungry...  
  
Dart: NO! I... think we're OK for now with... Tim...  
  
Striker: *shrugs* K.  
  
*group wanders off*  
  
************************************************************************  
  
Striker: *riding around on his plastic tricycle while singing the Bicycle Races song* I don't believe in Peter Pan, Frankenstein, or Superman, all I wanna do is bicycle! Bicycle! Bicycle!  
  
Greham: You realize that that's a trike, don't you?  
  
Striker: *screeches to a halt, giving Greham a very dangerous look* Yeah. So?  
  
Greham: Well, most kids grow out of those by the time they're four...  
  
Striker: *eyes glow red* FOOL! YOU DARE INSULT ME? *pushes a hidden button and his plastic tricycle transforms into the SUPER-HUMUNGO MOTORTRICYCLE OF DOOM, complete with rocket launchers, machine guns, grenade launchers, and flamethrowers (and many more! Order yours today! O_o).  
  
Greham: O_O  
  
Striker: *rolls over Greham with the monster truck tires*  
  
Greham: *is now a bloody squished mess*  
  
Striker: *snaps fingers and revives Greham*  
  
Greham: Why'd you kill me in the first place if you're just going to revive me?  
  
Striker: Two reasons. First, I needed to test this out. Secondly, if I didn't revive you all after you died, then I'd run out of victims very quickly.  
  
Greham: So I probably would be better off staying dead?  
  
Striker: Probably. Sucks for you.  
  
************************************************************************  
  
Author's Note: Whee! What havoc will Striker wreak with both Tim and the Super-Humungo Motortricycle of Doom? Will Rose ever find an arms dealer? What the hell is Kongol doing with all of those stuffed animals? All these questions will be answered next chappy! No, really, they will.  
  
In case you're wondering how I know a song that is literally ten years older than I am, my best friend has a very extensive collection of extremely odd songs, most of them obscure as well. Just in case you cared. Don't forget to review! Pwease? 


	4. Exploding Donuts

Author's Note: Damn, that last chapter must have sucked, 'cause I only got two reviews. Poor me. *sniff* Aw well, roll the disclamer.  
  
Disclamer: No, I don't own LoD, Starbucks, Zippo Lighters, John Ashcroft, or any other copyrighted or in any way reserved thing in this forsaken fic! ARE YOU PEOPLE HAPPY?  
  
This chapter is brought to you by an insane author with a very odd song stuck in his head.  
  
Chapter 4  
  
*The gang is assembled (sort of) back in the lobby. Doel and Haschel have been revived. Lloyd has obviously had too many lattes again, and is bouncing around almost as much as Meru on a sugar high. Speaking of Meru, she is STILL twirling around in circles for no reason. Kongol is holding about a dozen stuffed animals in his massive arms. Albert is, as usual, obscured behind an enormous pile of books. Lavitz is smoking again. Dart is playing around with Zippo and a roll of magnesium tape Striker gave him to keep him quiet (Magnesium tape ROCKS. One of the many tools of a pyromaniac.). Doel is muttering something about buttered popcorn and the damned author. Greham, Haschel, and Miranda are standing around doing nothing. Shana is STILL missing, but upon an attempt to revive her Striker has learned that she is NOT dead.*  
  
Dart: *lights another strip of magnesium* Whee! Bright flashes... seeing spots in front of eyes... aw, who cares? *does it again just for kicks* BUUUUUURN!  
  
Lavitz: You shouldn't have given him that.  
  
Striker: Probably. Now I'm out of magnesium tape!  
  
Lavitz: -_- *sigh* Nevermind.  
  
Meru: *spinning in circles* Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee- *deep breath* eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeee! *faints from lack of oxygen*  
  
Striker: O_o Well, at least she's quiet...  
  
Kongol: Fuzzy animals...  
  
Albert: Knowledge...  
  
Lloyd: CAFFINE!  
  
Doel: Popcorn...  
  
Miranda: &#$%...  
  
Striker: *snaps* Shh! Do you hear that?  
  
All minus Meru: *listen* What?  
  
Meru: *still out cold*  
  
Striker: Listen to the sound... of silence.  
  
All minus Meru: *still listening*  
  
Albert: Ooooh! A deep philisophical enigma...  
  
Striker: SHH! You're inturrupting the silence.  
  
Albert: *shuts back up and listens*  
  
Striker: That should keep them busy for a while. *sneaks off*  
  
Kongol: Kongol not hear anything.  
  
All minus Kongol and Meru: SHH!  
  
************************************************************************  
  
*Several minutes later, Striker is standing outside a donut shop*  
  
Striker: Well, I guess this place will do as well as any... *goes inside* *whispers to the owner, and hands him a large briefcase filled with cash*  
  
Store Owner: *nods* *places a sign outside the door that reads 'Attorney Generals Eat Free!'  
  
John Ashcroft: *happens to be walking by* Wow! How coincidental! *goes inside, and is immediately surrounded by chattering donut shop... erm... people*  
  
Striker: *walks out of the shop in a suit and a John Ashcroft mask* Here we go... *walks over to a random area of the mall* *takes his plastic tricycle out of a dumpster* *presses the hidden button and it becomes the Super Humungo Motortricycle of Doom* Heh, heh... *revvs up engine*  
  
Shana: *stumbles drunkenly in front of the SHMoD* Where is everyone?  
  
Striker: *ACCIDENTALLY (heh) runs her over*  
  
Shana: *is bloody smear on ground*  
  
Striker: *drives around causing wanton destruction (but not hurting anyone) while singing Bicycle Races at the top of his lungs* You say coke, I say caine, you say John, I say Wayne, hot dog, I say cool it man! I don't wanna be the President of the United States of America! You say smile, I say cheese! Cartier, I say please! Income tax, I say Jesus! I don't wanna be a candidate for Vietnam or Watergate, all I wanna do is bicycle! Bicycle! Bicycle! *runs off an overhang, using it as ramp* WEEDOG! *blasts the torso off a statue that was within his path of trajectory*  
  
*A limo pulls up, and who should get out but the President of the United States of America (how ironic)*  
  
Bush: What the hell is going on?  
  
Mall Cop: Erm... The Attorney General appears to be driving around on a giant three-wheeled motorcycle and blowing things up.  
  
Bush: Do I look blind to you? WHY is he blowing things up?  
  
Mall Cop: *shrugs*  
  
Striker: *spots the President* Excellent. Time for Phase 2. *runs into the donut shop*  
  
Donut Shop Owner: *shoves the real Ashcroft out of the store with a bag of donuts*  
  
Bush: Care to explain yourself?  
  
Ashcroft: O_o Explain what?  
  
Bush: *indicates destroyed section of mall*  
  
Ashcroft: What about it?  
  
Bush: We saw you do it!  
  
Ashcroft: Uh... no, I didn't.  
  
Striker: *back in normal clothes* I saw him! Look what he's got in the bag! *snatches the bag of donuts*  
  
Ashcroft: Hey, you can't do that!  
  
Striker: Search and seizure. You authorized it yourself.  
  
Ashcroft: Well, yeah... but only for citizens! I am above the law!  
  
Striker: Not anymore! *takes a donut out of the bag*  
  
Ashcroft: See? It's just a donut!  
  
Striker: We'll see about that. *throws it at a nearby wall* *donut explodes* See! He has a bag of plastic explosives cleverly disguised as donuts!  
  
Ashcroft: But...  
  
Bush: Zip it! You're stripped of your position and you're going to that prison in Cuba (So I can't remember the name. Sue me.)!  
  
Ashcroft: NOOOO! Must... oppress... American citizens!  
  
Striker: *smacks him over the head* Quiet, scumbag!  
  
Ashcroft: *is carted off*  
  
Striker: *waits until they are out of sight, then pulls out his list of Top Offenders of Civil Liberties* *crosses off John Ashcroft* One down! The joys of working for the good of mankind...  
  
Shana: *is bloody mess on ground*  
  
Striker: Well, SOME of mankind...  
  
************************************************************************  
  
*Striker and the revived Shana walk back to the group, who are still listening to the silence, including Meru, who has regained consciousness.*  
  
Striker: OK, silence time over!  
  
Albert: I feel enlightened.  
  
Striker: -_- Sometimes I worry about you people.  
  
Lavitz: *lights a cigarette* OK, so what now?  
  
Striker: Well, Shana had a suggestion...  
  
Dart: You're listening to her?  
  
Striker: *shrugs* I'm out of ideas. Sue me.  
  
Doel: This better not involve hugging trees, or heads will roll.  
  
Striker: Nope! We're going to get psychotherapy!  
  
All: *scream*  
  
************************************************************************  
  
Author's Note: OK, that chappy sucked, but it gave me my opportunity to bash John Ashcroft. I hate him. I really do. Anyway, next chappy will be better, because the Dragoons go and get psychoanalyzed! Whee! 


	5. Psychotherapy and Aliens

Author's Note: Last chapter sucked, I know, but I was running out of ideas, so I got more inspiration and decided to update extra quick.  
  
Disclamer: Blah blah blah no own LoD blah blah blah blah blah. Clear as mud? Good.  
  
Chapter 5  
  
*The Dragoons, Lloyd, and Striker are all sitting in the office of Striker's new therapist. Dart is the first to be shrinked, so he's on that big couch.*  
  
Dart: Can we just get this over with?  
  
Therapist: Certainly, Mr... Dart?  
  
Dart: Yeah, yeah. Cut the mind games and get to the chase.  
  
Shrink: Very well. According to my reports, you apparently have a serious case of pyromania...  
  
Dart: *lighting the couch on fire* . *sits on the fire so the shrink doesn't see it* I'm insulted that anyone could think such a thing! *pants light on fire* #$^%! PANTS ON FIRE! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! *runs in circles*  
  
Striker: Meru, would you mind doing something about that?  
  
Meru: K! *smacks Dart in the face with her hammer*  
  
Dart: *falls over, comatose*  
  
Striker: DAMN IT, MERU! CAN YOU NOT UNDERSTAND HOW TO PUT OUT A &#$^ING FIRE?  
  
Meru: *huddles in corner, hiding from the psychotic author*  
  
Striker: *sighs* *puts out fire with Author Magic*  
  
Shrink: Yes... well, let's move on to... Lavitz?  
  
Lavitz: Start flapping. *smoking a cigarette*  
  
Shrink: You appear to have a problem with tobacco...  
  
Lavitz: Really? What was your first clue? THE LIT CIGARETTE IN MY #&$^ING MOUTH?  
  
Shrink: I was about to add that your aggression levels are high...  
  
Lavitz: Probably because I'm dead.  
  
Shrink: I beg your pardon?  
  
Lavitz: I'm dead. Since I was a knight during my lifetime, I am now able to do things such as smoking, enter contests, drink, and all sorts of other immoral activities.  
  
Shrink: I see... *privately adds Delusions of Grandeur to his list* Next is... Albert?  
  
Albert: Begin the pyschoanalyzation, comrade!  
  
Shrink: O_o Yes... You appear to have a preoccupation with knowledge, which causes you to wear on your comrades' nerves.  
  
Albert: That is caused by the fact that they are all undereducated and do not appreaciate the true value of intellectual pursuits. But they are benevolent at heart, so I grace them all with my presence.  
  
Kongol: Pursuits? *grabs axe and chops open a wall* PURSUIT!  
  
Striker: Wrong choice of words, Albert.  
  
Shrink: Moving on to... Rose.  
  
Rose: Be quick about it.  
  
Shrink: You also seem to have problems with aggression, as well as detachment from society.  
  
Rose: Well, I'm dead too, if that counts for anything, and during my 11,000 year lifetime, I saved the world from annihilation by killing girls that would eventually be captured and used in a prophecy to destroy the planet.  
  
Shrink: *adds another case of Delusions of Grandeur to his list* Right, next is... Shana.  
  
Shana: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?  
  
Shrink: Everyone hates you except Dart... do you have any idea why?  
  
Shana: No! I'm so utterly perfect I have no idea what reason anyone would have to hate me!  
  
Shrink: Ego?  
  
Shana: Me? An ego? Never!  
  
Shrink: Riiiiight... Kongol?  
  
Kongol: What man in chair want?  
  
Shrink: You seem have an inferiority complex due to the fact that you come from an underevolved species.  
  
Kongol: What? Fancy words confuse Kongol. Kongol no like confusion. KONGOL SMASH!  
  
Striker: NO, KONGOL!  
  
Shrink: Yes... Haschel.  
  
Haschel: Yes?  
  
Shrink: You seem to have mild dementia, leading to premature senility.  
  
Haschel: What? I am not! *playing with his dollies*  
  
Shrink: Meru?  
  
Meru: What's up, smart guy?  
  
Shrink: You appear to have a problem with Attention Defecit Hyperactive Disorder. Have you ever considered Ritalin?  
  
Meru: Is that a new kind of candy? Is it sugary?  
  
Shrink: Greham. You have problems about losing your best friend because of your own mistake. You then result to violence. Do you think this could be a form of post traumatic stress?  
  
Greham: My poor friend Servi... he's dead because of HIM! *points at Doel*  
  
Shrink: Let's move on to 'him' then... Doel, you appear to have serious problems with aggression due to the loss of your wife, have you considered the possibility of post traumatic stress?  
  
Doel: No, I'm just a supercool badass. Don't you forget it, punk! If you ever mention my wife again, then I will use my two swords to slice your body into pieces and feed them to Miranda.  
  
Shrink: O_O Right then... Lloyd. You're an egotistical prettyboy who constantly forces his wishes upon other people then wonder why they resent you.  
  
Lloyd: Your point is?  
  
Shrink: Nothing, actually. At least you're sane...  
  
Striker: *snorts* You've never seen him on 26 double lattes.  
  
Shrink: Right, and we finish off with... Miranda.  
  
Miranda: Yes?  
  
Shrink: You are rumored to have a serious problem with colorful language, terrorizing children, and just bitchiness in general.  
  
Striker: Damn, I like this guy! He swears!  
  
Miranda: What would ever give you that idea, Doctor? *wide, innocent eyes*  
  
Shrink: Well, I have a number of reports...  
  
Miranda: No, I have never done such a thing in my entire lifetime!  
  
Striker: *staring at Miranda like he's seen a ghost* *grabs Miranda and starts shaking her* WHO THE HELL ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MIRANDA? O_O *realization strikes him* *gasps* ALIENS HAVE ABDUCTED MIRANDA IN AN EVIL PLOT TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD! I SHALL BRING JUDGEMENT UPON YOUR FOUL HEAD, ALIEN! *draws his Magical Toaster of Justice* *runs off*  
  
Dart: What the hell was that about?  
  
Miranda: I honestly have no idea.  
  
Dart: O_O AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! *runs off*  
  
************************************************************************  
  
Striker: *running around swinging the Magical Toaster of Justice by its cord* BOW TO ME, FOR I AM THE ALMIGHTY DEFENDER OF JUSTICE, OOKABALOOKASHIKIELATOOKAMASH! Also known as... BOB! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA- *stops for oxygen break* -HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! *finds a random person*  
  
Random Person: Who the hell are you?  
  
Striker: YOU DO NOT FOOL ME WITH YOUR CLEVER DISGUISE, ALIEN! THE TOASTER REVEALS ALL! *whacks him with the Magical Toaster of Justice*  
  
Random Person: *turns into an alien* Curse you, Bob! I will defeat you!  
  
Striker: YOU DARE CHALLENGE THE ALMIGHTY BOB! PLUG TAZER! *electrocutes alien with toaster plug*  
  
Alien: *dies*  
  
Striker: MWAHAHAHAHAHA! JUSTICE PREVIALS! *breaks the Caps Lock key from overuse during this chapter* Damn! Now I can't speak loudly. Urg.  
  
Dart: Man... that guy has some serious problems...  
  
Lavitz: Seriously. Maybe we should get Lloyd to keep stealing his Mountain Dew.  
  
Dart: Making him even more annoying than he already is? Nah. Besides, that was in the other fic.  
  
Lavitz: Oh yeah. I want to see what happens when Striker sticks his cape in the shredder.  
  
Kongol: *comes back with his collection of stuffed animals, except they are slightly different*  
  
Dart: Dude... he stuck all the parts on the wrong bodies...  
  
Striker: *gasps as he looks at a walrus-giraffe-tiger* Brilliant... *grabs Kongol's menagerie of mutant plushies and runs off to do some gene splicing*  
  
Kongol: My... plushies... raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarg! *grabs his axe and goes off to smash things*  
  
Dart: How come his shout was in lowercase letters?  
  
Lavitz: The Caps Lock key broke, remember?  
  
Dart: Oh yeah...  
  
Lloyd: CAFFINE!  
  
Dart and Lavitz: *sigh*  
  
************************************************************************  
  
Author's Note: Much better. More insanity. Gene splicing. TOASTERS! Stay tuned for more deranged-ness next chapter! 


	6. Road Trip

Author's Note: Yes, Shade, Bob is the best name in the entire world. In fact, my friends and I created Bobism. We worship the Almighty Bob, who, in case you're wondering, is a twelve-foot tall monkey with wings and a gigantic sword. O_o We call ourselves the Avatars of Bob. We're thinking of posting the holy scriptures on the Internet and developing a cult following. I'm serious.  
  
Anyway, I'm afraid you're a little off track, giggleplex. I am a teenager, but I'm not albino (although I'm not incredibly tanned either), and our basement is too muddy to be inhabitable. I don't watch Jackie Chan movies, but that would explain how I can write descriptive battle scenes so easily (maybe I just have a violent imagination). I am obsessed with RPGs, but I have connections to the outside world, amazingly, but they're mostly through school and basketball. As for my 'unnerving ability to type chapters quickly', I get my homework done very fast, so I have time to write nearly every day. If you need an explaination for anything else, I'm insane. That usually answers any other questions. The Magical Toaster of Justice is not pink. It's... toaster-colored? O_o  
  
Oh, I forgot that I have two other game characters to add to my army of minions. Cybil and Saia join the group, yay! They're both from Tactics Ogre: Knight of Lodis, which would be why you people wouldn't know them. I just finished the game yesterday. The ending's so sad... or at least the one I got was. There's six of them, I think... O_o  
  
Saia: Note to self: Maim crazed author at next opportunity.  
  
Striker: Oh, zip it, daemon boy. Onto the new chapter! (Coffee Mate is flammable? O_o)  
  
Disclamer: I am the muffin man. Need I say anything else?  
  
Chapter 6  
  
*After several hours of alien-bashing, Striker has finally calmed down. Miranda is back to her normal PMSing self, and Kongol is off smashing things over his loss of his collection of stuffed animals. Lloyd's coffee- induced caffine buzz has finally worn off, and Shana has been revived, much to the dismay of everyone else. The Caps Lock key is still broken, which means that poor Striker has to use Shift, so he can't type long sentences of capital letters.*  
  
Striker: OK, I've gathered you all here because I have an important announcement to make. We're leaving.  
  
All: WHAT?  
  
Dart: But that means this fic is over!  
  
Lavitz: *still smoking* How exactly is that a bad thing?  
  
Dart: O_o Good point.  
  
Striker: O_o Who said anything about the fic ending? You people aren't that lucky. We're merely making a change of scenery. You know what that means...  
  
Dart: God no...  
  
Striker: ROAD TRIP! *snaps fingers* *RV appears out of nowhere and falls on Shana* (Yes, I stole that too! Don't sue me, Freefall! I bow to your comedic genius! Same for you, Shade! Don't hurt me! *cowers in corner*)  
  
Shana: *squished*  
  
Striker: Oops. *revives her*  
  
Dart: Isn't that from a different fic?  
  
Striker: *waves hand* Bah, they don't need it anymore. Kyra can just warp them anywhere.  
  
Figure: *stumbles out of the RV* What the hell happened?  
  
Striker: *looks at the figure* Rayen? What the hell are you doing in the RV, you're supposed to be defending Deningrad from the Divine Dragoon!  
  
Rayen: I had to take a leak.  
  
Striker: O_o Dude, you were at the Crystal Palace. I'm sure there's a toilet in there somewhere.  
  
Rayen: It's a nice bathroom. Give me a break.  
  
All minus Rayen: O_o;  
  
Striker: Right...  
  
Dart: Who the hell is this?  
  
Rayen: Hey, you're the guy who was talking to me in the dream!  
  
Dart: O_o What?  
  
Striker: Long story. He's from your world, only 1026 years in the future. Your ghost talks to him in a dream.  
  
Dart: O_O My... ghost? I don't wanna die! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah! *starts running in circles*  
  
Striker: *sighs and pushes Dart into the RV* Well, I guess you're coming too.  
  
Rayen: Can't you send me back to the right fic? I've got a world to save...  
  
Striker: Bah, no time will pass while you're with us. Besides, now that you're here, I don't feel like sending you back. It will give me opportunities for lots of jokes. So shut up and get in the car.  
  
*Everyone starts to file into the RV, afraid to disobey the author and risk being turned into something nasty.*  
  
Lavitz: Where are we going, anyway?  
  
Striker: Canada!  
  
Lavitz: OooooooK... why?  
  
Striker: I need a moose! I don't have any moose DNA in my gene splicing database. So we're going to Canada! Got a problem with that?  
  
Lavitz: I guess not... who's driving?  
  
Striker: Well, I'm not old enough to drive, and neither is Meru, thank Bob... so, I guess the rest of us will just switch whenever I feel like it.  
  
Lavitz: Oh. OK. Who goes first?  
  
Striker: Erm... *picks a random person* Shana. Just so she'll get killed.  
  
Lavitz: Makes sense to me.  
  
*Several minutes later, the journey to Canada has begun. Shana is driving, while Doel is waiting in the passenger's seat for Shana's inevitable death so he can seize the wheel by force. Striker is drinking Mountain Dew, with Tim in one hand in case Lloyd decides to attempt to raid his soda mini- fridge. Lloyd is sulking in a corner while looking at himself in the nearest mirror. Rose is in the other corner, sharpening her rapier yet AGAIN, while glaring at anyone who dares come within several feet of her. Lavitz is sitting at the table, smoking. Albert is (surprise, surprise) reading. Dart, Greham, Miranda, Rayen, and Meru are watching Lord of the Rings on the tube. Kongol is still mourning his lost plushies, while Haschel is in the bathroom.*  
  
Haschel: Damn, this IS a nice bathroom!  
  
Striker: O_o  
  
Albert: *finishes his twentieth book and tosses it on top of the pile that sits next to him* Erg. Nothing else to saturate my mind with.  
  
Striker: All right, Albert, if you're bored, here's a riddle for you... how can you tell the difference between a black zebra with white stripes and a white zebra with black stripes?  
  
Albert: Oooh! Uh... uh... hmm... *starts thinking that one over*  
  
Striker: That should keep him busy for a while.  
  
Dart: Whee, big volcano! Fiiiiiiiire...  
  
Miranda: #$&% #$%# elf *$&# *&^# volcano &^#$ &^@# ring!  
  
Greham: *sarcastically* Nice to know we've got the real Miranda back.  
  
Rayen: Stay away from me, all of you.  
  
Meru: *starts moving closer to Rayen just to freak him out*  
  
Rayen: . *starts scooting away from the evil Wingly dancer*  
  
Striker: *sees potential mishap* Damage control. *throws a candy bar in front of the TV*  
  
Meru: O_O CANDY! *devours it, then goes back to watching LotR*  
  
Rayen: *breathes sigh of relief*  
  
Shana: Aww... a cute squirrel!  
  
Rabid Flying Squirrel: *jumps into the car, smashing the window, eats Shana's face, then jumps back out of the car*  
  
Doel: Finally! I thought the author would never get on with it. *pitches Shana's body out the window and grabs the wheel* Time to meet your maker, you little shit! *starts chasing the squirrel, attempting to run it over*  
  
Striker: *falls over, spilling his Mountain Dew* &#$%! DOEL!  
  
Rayen: How come swearing is censored in this fic?  
  
Lavitz: 'Cause it's a comedy. Go with it.  
  
Rayen: *shrug*  
  
Doel: *swerves left, squishing the squirrel underneath one of the tires* YES! DIE! *starts laughing maniacally* *accidentally drives off convieniently placed cliff* &^$#!  
  
Striker: *tries using the Caps Lock key so he can manage a decent shout* DaMnIT, DoEL! WaTch wheRE YoU'RE DrIVinG! Erg. Still broken.  
  
Lavitz: Never mind the damn Caps Lock key, just do something about the #$%^ing &^$% cliff!  
  
Striker: Tsk tsk, such language. You're beginning to sound like Miranda.  
  
Miranda: &^#$ %^$# *&^%!  
  
Lavitz: All right, fine! I'm SORRY! Now save us!  
  
Striker: Too late! *RV splashes into the equally convieniently placed ocean*  
  
************************************************************************  
  
Author's Note: Whee, new setting! Review or I'll sic Saia on you! You shouldn't mess with badass daemons with Bloody Cleavers!  
  
Saia: Why exactly should I do what YOU say?  
  
Striker: You follow whoever can defeat you with force, right? Well, here's your force! *smacks him on the head with the Magical Toaster of Justice*  
  
Saia: X_x Go kill nonreviewers. Right. Gotcha. 


	7. Fun at the Beach

Author's Note: O_o Yeah, I know this entire fic is pointless. That's why it's classified as a HUMOR fic. It's SUPPOSED to make you laugh.  
  
O_O *staring at Freefall* Stop reading my mind, woman! *Bob Dole is #1 on our List of People who are Cool Just Because They're Random (we seriously have a list)*  
  
I'm going to try to avoid Canadian stereotypes because I don't know which ones are considered offensive. So yeah. Although there will probably be some lumberjack jokes. I hope nobody's offended by that...  
  
YES! Finally someone on this site who's played Tactics Ogre. I've got three snapdragons. One is Lobelia, the other is just a normal Angel Knight, and then the last one is a Mushus. Alphonse has 522 Strength when he equips the Mushus snap. Meh, I agree, Eleanor is a wuss. But she's gone, so Alphonse can hook up with Cybil. She IS Eleanor's sister, so it's close enough. Besides, she's much hotter anyway.  
  
Saia: *grimaces at the T-Shirt* There's no place for my wings in this thing.  
  
Oh, and by the way, there are going to be an obscene amount of appearances from characters in other games, more than enough for this to be considered a crossover, but I'm NOT going to move it! Ha! I defy the FF.net classification structure! Nyah!  
  
Chapter 7  
  
*Everyone is camped out on the beach where the RV crashed, except for Kongol, who Striker has forced to drag the RV out of the ocean.*  
  
Dart: *grumble grumble* I hate the beach. There's nothing to burn! Everything's so... wet.  
  
Striker: Duh. So where the hell are we?  
  
Lavitz: *checking the map* Well, according to this, we're somewhere on the western coastline...  
  
Striker: How the hell did we get on the coastline?  
  
Lavitz: Well, apparently, instead of bringing an ocean to us, you brought us to the nearest ocean.  
  
Striker: I knew there was something wrong with that spell...  
  
Lavitz: So the author isn't all-powerful...  
  
Striker: *realizes that his position in power in this fic is jepordized if Lavitz doesn't get off that train of thought* Hey, look! It's Rose in a bikini!  
  
Lavitz: *whips around* Where? *goes looking for Rose*  
  
Striker: Sicko. Meh, I don't wanna see what's left of him when Rose is done. Now to get back to... sweet... mother of BOB!  
  
Lloyd: *just came out of the RV in a Speedo* Mwahaha! Behold my prettiness and tremble, puny mortals!  
  
Striker: You're telling me you wear those things by CHOICE?  
  
Lloyd: There's even more of my prettiness to go around! *hugs self*  
  
Striker: *shakes his head and goes off to puke in the seaweed*  
  
Kongol: Mmmph... *finally drags the RV out of the water*  
  
Striker: *comes back from emptying the contents of his stomach* Oh, good! *treats it with author magic so it doesn't rust* Good thing I made sure the doors and windows were air-tight before the RV plunged into the water. Now none of the electronic gizmos have been messed up!  
  
Kongol: *mumbles something*  
  
*A few minutes later, everyone is messing around on the beach. Shana, Miranda, and Rose are all swimming. Dart, Albert, Greham, and Lavitz are making a replica of the Crystal Palace out of sand. Kongol is making sand giraffes, while Doel is waiting for the right opportunity to smash one ('Make a Giganto cry' is one of the top ten things Doel wants to do during his lifetime). Lloyd is prancing around in his almost-nakedness (*gag*). Meru is in Dragoon armor summoning up huge waves to crash into surfers, and Haschel is sleeping like the useless old codger that he is.*  
  
Striker: *takes his kayak out of the RV and walks towards the water*  
  
Lloyd: *runs by in his way-too-tight Speedo*  
  
Striker: *eye twitches* *transforms kayak into aluminum canoe* *beans Lloyd on the head* *insert bell-like clang here*  
  
Lloyd: *falls over due to severe head wound*  
  
Striker: Those things should be illegal. Indecent exposure. *transforms canoe back into kayak*  
  
Greham: *looks up from making the sand-Crystal-Palace* Why do you hate Lloyd so much?  
  
Striker: I don't HATE him, he's just my favorite character to bash. That's why he's always a stuck-up prettyboy who's obsessed with himself in my fics. It gives me an excuse to beat him senseless.  
  
Dart: But pummeling Lloyd is MY job...  
  
Striker: Too bad.  
  
Lavitz: *is paying more attention to Rose in a swimsuit than the sandcastle* What about Shana? You HATE her...  
  
Striker: Yeah, but it's funnier when Shana dies in an accident or gets eaten by a random rabid animal. I just like bashing Lloyd.  
  
Dart: Why?  
  
Striker: He killed Lavitz. Quoth Freefall, 'I hold grudges.'  
  
Dart: Oh.  
  
Albert: *suddenly realizes his cape is on fire* DART!  
  
Dart: *innocent look, hides lighter behind back* What?  
  
  
  
Albert: *runs off to douse himself*  
  
*A surfer nearby is hit by a gigantic wave*  
  
Meru: Ha! I hope that hurt, seashell-brain!  
  
Striker: If I get hit by one of those, I swear to Bob I am gonna- *is cut off as he is hit by a tsunami*  
  
Meru: Uh-oh...  
  
Striker: *gets out from under the water, eyes glowing red* I'm gonna KILL YOU! *chases after her with the Bunny Slippers of Fuzzy Death*  
  
Rayen: I still cannot believe that deranged psychopath brought me into existance.  
  
*A few minutes later, the group is back in the RV. Greham is driving, while Rose sits in the passenger seat, waiting for her shift. Striker has seized usage of the TV and is playing Mystic Heroes on his Gamecube. Shana is in the kitchen, doing who-knows-what. Everyone else is lounging about, bored, minus Meru and Lloyd, who are both lying unconscious on the floor. Doel is taking every possible opportunity to step on the prone Winlies.*  
  
Striker: *is trying to beat Level 6-2* Damn Catacombs! Erg, I want to get out of this stage.  
  
Lavitz: Hey, I have a question. Why do you keep Shana alive? She dies every two seconds, what's the point in resurrecting her?  
  
Shana: *comes out of the kitchen* Who wants cookies?  
  
Striker: *pauses Mystic Heroes* That's why.  
  
Lavitz: *shrugs* Works for me.  
  
Meru: *wakes up* I'm BORED! *spots cookies* SUGAR!  
  
Lavitz: *lights a cigarette* What else is new?  
  
Meru: I know! Let's name the RV!  
  
Rayen: What for?  
  
Meru: *death glare*  
  
Rayen: *shuts up*  
  
Dart: Let him decide. *jerks thumb at Striker* It's his fic.  
  
Meru: Good idea! Hey! What should we name the RV?  
  
Striker: *Shiga gets hit by about 6 arrows at once* $#&%!  
  
Meru: ^_^ OK! The RV's name is $#&%!  
  
Albert: O_o Why is our recreational vehicle named after feces?  
  
Lavitz: Just say the word, dude. Shit.  
  
All minus Striker: *gasp*  
  
Striker: *is too busy beating the crap out of a mob of Undead Samurai to censor*  
  
Meru: He said an uncensored swear word! You know what THAT means!  
  
Dart: He must be whacked with the Froggie Stick of Punishment!  
  
Meru: Exactly! *whacks Lavitz with the Froggie Stick of Punishment*  
  
Lavitz: *is turned into a giant frog*  
  
Doel: *evil grin* Excellent. I've never had frog legs... *draws swords*  
  
Froggie Lavitz: O_O  
  
Striker: *Track 9 of his CD of Random Songs comes on* *gasps* It's the Finland Song! *pauses Mystic Heroes and jumps on top of the table, singing loudly* Finland, Finland, Finland! The country where I want to be! Finland, Finland, Finland! It is the place for me!  
  
Rayen: *beating himself on the head as Doel chases around the Froggie Lavitz and the author is singing Monty Python songs at the top of his lungs* Why me?  
  
Author's Note: Chapter over! Will  
  
I swear, I don't hate Lloyd! Don't kill me!  
  
In case you're wondering, I am taking a short break from Rebirth of a Legend to update my humor fics more. Don't forget to review! Now, please excuse me while I go play Mystic Heroes. Weedog! 


	8. Grocery Shopping

Chapter 8 (That's right, there is NO Author's Note! There's a first.)  
  
*Everyone is back in the RV, et cetera, et cetera, blah, blah, blah.*  
  
Rose: *drives past the border line* We're in Oregon.  
  
Greham: OK... *turns to author* Hey, what's special about Oregon?  
  
Striker: Trees.  
  
Greham: O_o OoooK... what else?  
  
Striker: Trees.  
  
Greham: Besides trees.  
  
Striker: More trees.  
  
Greham: So there's nothing interesting about Oregon except that it has a whole lot of trees?  
  
Striker: Well, if you chuck a cigarette butt out the window of the RV, the trees would probably catch flame and create a chain reaction resulting in a massive forest fire, but that probably wouldn't be a very good idea.  
  
Dart: O_O *steals one of Lavitz's cigarettes*  
  
Froggie Lavitz: *croak*  
  
Striker: *takes the cigarette from Dart before he can burn down all the forests in Oregon*  
  
Dart: *pouts*  
  
Striker: *playing Mystic Heroes* *starts Level 6-3* What? You mean I have to fight that &^$%#@ Aria AND she took control of Captain Dax too? That sucks. Majorly.  
  
Shana: I wanna plaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!  
  
Striker: And what exactly would a goody-two-shoes like you DO with a video game console?  
  
Shana: *holds up a copy of Adventures in Snuggletown*  
  
Striker: *eye twitch* No.  
  
Shana: *whines* Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?  
  
Striker: *Shiga gets frozen into a block of ice by the floating Aria, then gets chopped up by a swarm of Undead Samurai and an ally who is currently under mind control by aforementioned floating annoying person* ^$&%! Doel?  
  
Doel: My pleasure. *backhands Shana out the window, who lands on the roadside and is immediately trampled by the rare Oregonian giant tapir (If you don't know what a tapir is, look it up in the dictionary. Most have a picture of the thing. It looks weird, but it's random. So there.)*  
  
Striker: *eye stops twitching* Thank you.  
  
Doel: *shrug* As long as I've got an excuse.  
  
Albert: I am afraid to report that there is nothing available in the recreational vehicle for consumption except for artificial whipped topping and remains of the roast fowl from the last observed holiday.  
  
*long pause*  
  
*cricket chirp*  
  
*cricket chirp*  
  
Dart: What?  
  
Striker: Allow me to translate from Albert-speak to normal English. What he said was that there's nothing to eat in the RV except for Cool Whip and leftover turkey from Thanksgiving.  
  
Miranda: &^$%ing #^$&% food ^*$% @^#&$ing author &$#^%#!  
  
Lloyd: We're all gonna starve! I'm too pretty to diiiiiie!  
  
Striker: Doel, I can't reach him.  
  
Doel: Of course. *smacks Lloyd upside the head* Idiot.  
  
Striker: Thank you. Anyway, we're not going to starve. We just have to buy some food. Duh.  
  
Lloyd: But we don't have any money!  
  
Striker: Doel?  
  
Doel: *smacks Lloyd again*  
  
Striker: Thank you. I'm the author, I can just write in all the money we need. *suitcase filled with 100-dollar bills appears in hands* See?  
  
Dart: I just thought of something. Why is Doel listening to what you say all of a sudden?  
  
Striker: Because I decided that he's cool enough to enter my army of minions. Plus, it gives him an excuse to smack people and get away with it.  
  
Rose: *pulls into the parking lot of a conveniently placed Albertson's* Let's get this over with.  
  
*Everyone piles out of the RV*  
  
Striker: *notices something* Why is $#&% painted on the side of the RV?  
  
Rayen: That's its name now.  
  
Striker: What? Who came up with that idea?  
  
Rayen: You did.  
  
Striker: I don't recall saying that our RV's name is dollar-sign-pound-sign- and-percent-symbol.  
  
Rayen: Well, we couldn't put the REAL name on there.  
  
Striker: What?  
  
Rayen: You were playing your game, and Meru asked you for a name for the RV...  
  
Striker: *suddenly realizes what he's talking about* Our RV's name is Shit?  
  
All minus Striker: *gasp*  
  
Striker: -_- Touch me with that stick and I will kill you. I'm the author, I can cuss all I want.  
  
Froggie Lavitz: O_O *is hopping as fast as he can away from Doel*  
  
Doel: *chasing after Lavitz with a huge pot of melted butter in his hands* Come back here! I'll solve our food problems!  
  
Lavitz: *flash* *is transformed back into his normal self*  
  
Doel: What the hell?  
  
Striker: His punishment has worn off.  
  
Lavitz: Thank SOA!  
  
Doel: -_- I hate you all. *dumps the pot of melted butter on Meru*  
  
*Later, in the Albertson's*  
  
Dart: Heeeeey... wait a second. That store is called Albert SON'S... *pokes Albert* You and Emilie been burning the midnight oil?  
  
Albert: *blink blink* Dear lord Soa... I'M A DADDY! *glomps onto a random person in his exultation*  
  
Striker: It would probably be pointless to tell him that the name of the store chain has nothing to do with him and fatherhood, wouldn't it?  
  
Lavitz: Probably.  
  
Greham: OK, Albert, we're all happy for you and all, but let go of Miranda now.  
  
Miranda: &^%$ING #@$% KING &^$%#@$ $#@#$#@ BABY $#%& #$%^ LET GO &^%$#$!  
  
Albert: *stays attached to Miranda, totally oblivious to everything else except the prospect of fatherhood* ^_^  
  
Striker: Well, grocery shopping will go a lot faster if we split up into pairs.  
  
*Later, after split up*  
  
Striker: Stop complaining. I chose the damn pairs randomly.  
  
Rose: Still, I cannot believe I got stuck with you.  
  
Striker: *driving the grocery cart around pointlessly, singing the Mission: Impossible song* Doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo. Doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo. Dee da dum! Dee da dum! Da dum!  
  
Rose: You're pathetic.  
  
Striker: Shut up and put the food in the cart, witch lady.  
  
Rose: *sigh*  
  
************************************************************************  
  
Doel: *piles their cart full of boxes of microwave popcorn* Eeeeexcellent...  
  
Greham: *dumps an armful of Corn Nuts and cheese whiz into the cart*  
  
Doel: Corn Nuts and cheese whiz? Are you some kind of idiot or something?  
  
Greham: *sticks tongue out*  
  
************************************************************************  
  
Miranda: &^%# &$%# $%#$ing king... *piling her cart full of boxes of cereal*  
  
Albert: *still glomped onto Miranda's midsection* I wonder if it's a boy...  
  
Miranda: *eye twitch*  
  
************************************************************************  
  
Lloyd: CAFFINE! *piling the cart full of coffee, Mountain Dew, and other highly caffinated beverages*  
  
Meru: SUGAR! *piles cart full of candy and other high-sugared objects*  
  
************************************************************************  
  
Shana: *mysteriously revived and buying vegetarian everything*  
  
Kongol: *shoving packages of red meat into the cart*  
  
Shana: Kongol, all that meat will ruin your heart.  
  
Kongol: And Kongol care... why?  
  
************************************************************************  
  
Rayen: *actually shopping like a normal person* Dart? Where are you?  
  
Dart: *drooling in rapture at a shelf full of lighter fluid, matches, and charcoal*  
  
Rayen: *sighs* Go ahead.  
  
Dart: YAHOOOOOOOO! *starts chucking bags, bottles, and boxes into the cart*  
  
************************************************************************  
  
Lavitz: *tossing a bunch of cigarette packs into the cart* That should last me until we need to buy food again.  
  
Haschel: *comes back with an armful of canned prunes*  
  
Lavitz: You don't actually EAT that &^$%, do you?  
  
Haschel: It's good for my digestion.  
  
Lavitz: _ *bad images*  
  
************************************************************************  
  
*Everyone reunites at the purchasing aisle*  
  
Striker: *examining what everyone else bought* We can't live off this! *comes to Doel and Greham's cart* Corn Nuts and cheese whiz?  
  
Doel: -_- *points to Greham*  
  
Greham: *squeezing cheese whiz on top of a Corn Nut* What?  
  
Striker: You've got some serious problems, man. That has got to be the grossest thing I have ever seen.  
  
Greham: Tell me about it. They were out of cheddar!  
  
Striker: _ *sigh* OK, everyone except Rayen put their crap back.  
  
Doel: *death glare*  
  
Striker: Correction, everyone except Rayen and Doel put their crap back.  
  
Doel: Smart man.  
  
Dart: *puppy eyes*  
  
Striker: And Dart, because I want to nick some of his stuff anyway.  
  
Dart: Yay! *blink, pause* Waaaaait a second...  
  
Miranda: *PMS glare, even deadlier than aforementioned death glare*  
  
Striker: *blink, pause* Ah, what the hell. *piles all the stuff on the little conveyor belt thing* *tosses the clerk guy a wad of 100-dollar bills* Keep the change.  
  
Clerk: O_O  
  
Doel: Big stupid eyes tax. *takes all the change* Heh heh. *counting the bills*  
  
************************************************************************  
  
*Everyone is back in the RV*  
  
Albert: *still glomped onto Miranda's midsection*  
  
Miranda: *attempting to pry the deranged king off with a crowbar* &*#$!  
  
Lloyd: *on the computer* *suddenly starts laughing hysterically*  
  
Striker: What the hell are you on about?  
  
Lloyd: *holds up a sheet of paper that just finished printing*  
  
Lavitz: Gimme that. *reads it* It's a declaration from the government. Winglies are officially an endangered species.  
  
Striker: What!? *snatches paper and reads it* Noooooooooooooooooooo!  
  
Lavitz: This means you can't beat the crap out of Lloyd for no reason... or for any reason, for that matter.  
  
Lloyd: That's right! *pushes the author over and seizes the Gamecube controller*  
  
Striker: Why you little...  
  
Lloyd: *holds up paper and smirks*  
  
Striker: *eye twitch*  
  
Author's Note: Whee, what will I do now that I can't bash Lloyd? Will Dart manage to burn Oregon to the ground? What the hell is a giant Oregonian tapir? All these questions will be answered next chappy, except for the last one, which I will answer now. A tapir is a weird fuzzy animal that looks like a pig. Like I said, there's a picture of them if you look in the dictionary. The whole giant Oregonian thing I made up, they're native to Africa, I think... Anyway, review and be happy! 


	9. Luxembourg

Author's Note: Yes, damn the government for taking away my ability to bash Winglies. Remember, the RV got teleported to the western coastline and they drove up to Oregon, and Oregon has Albertson's. Don't ask me how I know that, I've never even been to Oregon. I'm odd.  
  
Chapter 9  
  
*The RV is steadily back on the road after leaving the Albertson's. Greham is driving, and considerably well at that. Lloyd is taking revenge upon the author by taking every opportunity to flaunt his new invulnerability to bashing. Striker is coming down with a serious case of WBW (Wingly-Bashing Withdrawal), and is slowly sliding towards the cliff of insanity. Albert is still attached to Miranda's midsection, and the Sacred Sister has broken several crowbars in her attempts to detach the king, and is seriously considering surgery, but her hopes were slightly quenched when she learns that Rose is the only qualified doctor on board, whose instrument of extraction is her rapier.*  
  
Lavitz: How the hell did you get a medical license?  
  
Rose: *death glare*  
  
Doel: *munching on his microwave popcorn, while shiftily looking around*  
  
Lloyd: *surfing the Web and tossing any object he can get a hold of at the author*  
  
Striker: *banging his head against the wall* Banana in the blender! Banana in the blender! *hit by the microwave* X_x *falls over*  
  
Doel: You idiot! You broke a perfectly good microwave! *draws both swords and growls threateningly* Kill... KILL!  
  
Lloyd: Foolish Emperor! You cannot hurt me! There's a government document out on my protection! *holds it up as evidence*  
  
Doel: Explain why I should care. I'm dead. What can the government do to me?  
  
Lloyd: Oh... I hadn't thought of that...  
  
Doel: I'll give you a ten-second head start. More fun that way. Ten...  
  
Lloyd: Can't we... erm... talk about this?  
  
Doel: Nine...  
  
Lloyd: *runs*  
  
Doel: Eight... seven... six... oh hell. *charges after him*  
  
*Meanwhile, Dart and Rayen are oblivious.*  
  
Dart: *flicking his lighter absently* Do you have any idea what they're doing?  
  
Rayen: Nope. *playing Striker's Gamecube* Hoo-ah! Touchdown! *starts doing Striker's monkey dance*  
  
Dart: You know... you started out as the sane one...  
  
Rayen: *puts on one of those big fuzzy hats that the Buckingham Palace Guards wear*  
  
Dart: O_O  
  
Shana: *watching Meru, Haschel and Kongol* Are they STILL asleep?  
  
Lavitz: Yeah. Haschel's out because he's still got a hangover from the drinking contest with Miranda. Meru's sleeping because consuming all the sugar in the RV in the span of ten minutes left her with a crashing low after the buzz was over.  
  
Rose: *shudders* That was pure evil.  
  
Lavitz: Tell me about it. Kongol's sleeping because... O_o Come to think of it, I have no idea why Kongol's sleeping.  
  
Striker: *suddenly regains consciousness* Fools! I am Poolywoolychinmakanidoka, Chancellor of Luxembourg and inventor of the pickle!  
  
Doel: *stops* What the... hell?  
  
Lloyd: What the hell is Luxembourg?  
  
Miranda: Luxembourg is a tiny country in Europe that is approximately eight hundred square miles in area.  
  
All: O_O  
  
Miranda: What? The damned king's busy glomped onto my midsection, someone's got to explain to you &^$%ing idiots what's going on.  
  
Lavitz: Who else was disturbed just now?  
  
All: *raise hands*  
  
Striker: There is no time for this! Switzerland is attacking! We must prepare our defenses of pinecones and DVD players!  
  
Lavitz: He's lost it.  
  
Rose: I don't think he ever had it.  
  
Miranda: I think he's lost his somewhat tedious hold on it.  
  
All: *stare at Miranda*  
  
Miranda: What the &^$%&^$ &^#$ are you &^#$%$@# ^&#$%# looking at?  
  
Dart: Now that's more like Miranda.  
  
Greham: *also oblivious to all that is going on* *turns up the radio really loud and starts singing* Walk awaaaaaaaaaaay, now now now, can't relaaaaaaaaaaaate, to anyone! Tried to be, a humble man, a better son, a better friend, but life gets in the waaaaaaaaay!  
  
Lavitz: O_o Damn, I didn't know Greham liked Epidemic...  
  
Greham: *music changes* Hit me baby one more time!  
  
Rayen: *snaps back to sanity* O_O NO! Not this again! *falls to the floor, convulsing*  
  
Dart: *covering his ears* Rayen, how do you know about this? You're from the same world as us!  
  
Rayen: Yes, but I was created by HIM! *points to Striker, who is muttering something about Switzerland and fried ice cream* And his sister LISTENS to this!  
  
Rose: And what would this disgrace to music be called?  
  
Rayen: *silence, whispers* Britney Spears! *thunder crashes, lightning strikes*  
  
All: *scream*  
  
Shana: Hey, I kinda like this song...  
  
************************************************************************  
  
*A few minutes later*  
  
Striker: *crouching behind pinecones and DVD players that are stacked like sandbags* Are we all ready for the defense?  
  
Dart: *crouching behind pinecone-DVD player barricade* Why exactly are we doing this?  
  
Striker: The Swiss are attacking! Now shut up and get your flamethrower!  
  
Dart: O_O I believe I just heard the magic word.  
  
Greham: This guy doesn't seriously believe that Switzerland is going to wage war on an RV in the middle of Oregon, does he?  
  
Rayen: No thanks to Pretty-boy over there.  
  
Lloyd: Hey, I didn't do anything!  
  
Rayen: Really? Let's see, you kicked him away from his video games, one of the few things that preserves his sanity, tortured him, and threw a microwave at his head.  
  
Lloyd: Well, I didn't do anything BESIDES that...  
  
Rayen: Doel?  
  
Doel: *smacks Lloyd upside the head* Idiot.  
  
Rayen: Thank you.  
  
Striker: Silence! The Swiss approach.  
  
Dart: *stroking his new flamethrower* I'll name you Erik von Svenson!  
  
All: O_o  
  
*Suddenly, an army of Swiss soldiers charges into view, armed with their chocolate guns, cheese artillery, and ATMs (Get it? Swiss cheese, Swiss chocolate, Swiss bank accounts? Hahahaha... oh, forget it.)*  
  
Lavitz: Holy crap, the crazed author was right.  
  
Striker: Luxembourg FOREVER! *hurls one of his patented Mint-Flavored Dental Floss Grenades into the crowd of onrushing Swiss soldiers*  
  
Mint-Flavored Dental Floss Grenade: *explodes, sending dental floss in every direction, wrapping itself around the throats of the Swiss*  
  
Swiss Soldiers: Noooo, not the minty freshness! *fall over, dead of suffocation*  
  
Striker: *starts swinging the Magical Toaster of Justice around by its cord* Long live Luxembourg! *charges*  
  
*Several minutes later, the Swiss Army have been annihilated by the deranged author. Dental floss, broken ATMs, and the remains of exploding Pop Tarts (hey, what do you expect when your weapon is a toaster?) litter the area.*  
  
Striker: Luxembourg is triumphant!  
  
Greham: *pulls himself out from underneath a fallen ATM* OK, that was seriously odd.  
  
Rayen: Is it over already?  
  
Lavitz: Where the hell were you?  
  
Rayen: In the bathroom.  
  
Lavitz: You've got a thing for that bathroom, don't you?  
  
Rayen: Shut up. It's a very nice bathroom.  
  
Dart: *still hugging his new flamethrower* Hey, where's Shana?  
  
Author's Note: Whee, short chapter. Okey dokey, where's Shana? What's she doing that caused her to become completely oblivious to a Swiss army appearing out of nowhere? Come to think of it, does anyone really care? What's up with that whole government protection thing on Winglies? Will Striker ever regain his sanity? Only one way to find out... heh. 


	10. High Gears and Kielbasa

Author's Note: *blows dust off of fic* Yes, it's beem a while, hasn't it, folks? Nevertheless, I was wandering around the blacktop at lunch today when inspiration struck me. It hurt, too. Anyway, I finally decided to update my random insanity fic. Lucky you.  
  
OK, just so you know, my current insanity is induced by my serious case of WBW. If I find a decent excuse to beat the living hell out of Lloyd, my tedious hold on sanity will return. K? Good.  
  
Chapter 10  
  
*The RV is currently stuck in the middle of the road with a flat tire.*  
  
Random Guy: *conveniently walks by with a spare tire*  
  
Rayen: How coincidental. Hey, can we have that?  
  
Random Guy: No hablo inglés, señor.  
  
Rayen: Oh, great. *turns to the group* Hey, anyone here know Spanish?  
  
Striker: Ooh! I do! I take it in school! *walks over to the Spanish guy* *ahem* ¿Dónde está mi galleta? (Translation: Where is my waffle?)  
  
Spanish Guy: ¿Qué? (Translation: What?)  
  
Striker: Mi pollo no tiene pantalones. (Translation: My chicken has no pants.)  
  
Spanish Guy: O_o  
  
Striker: Cientos tejones han tomado la residencia en mi nariz izquierda. (Translation: One hundred badgers have taken up residence in my left nostril.)  
  
Doel: Screw this. *smacks the Spanish guy upside the head and takes the tire*  
  
Striker: Awww...  
  
************************************************************************  
  
*Later, the RV is back on the road again. Rayen is driving like a sane person, so nothing is wrong in that department. However, things aren't quite as tranquil in the back.*  
  
Dart: *grumble* How come I have to be the chick?  
  
Lavitz: Because Striker is busy trying to figure out how the offseason schedule works in Madden NFL 2003, so now we're playing Mystic Heroes. Besides, you chose your character.  
  
Dart: Yeah, but she's the only one that can burn things!  
  
Lavitz: At least you don't have the one with the bad haircut.  
  
Doel: If you two would shut up, maybe I wouldn't be beating you so badly.  
  
Lavitz: Um... I'm winning by two thousand points.  
  
Doel: *eyes glow red*  
  
Lavitz: Er... nevermind.  
  
Doel: Smart man.  
  
Striker: *comes out of the kitchen having quaffed an unknown amount of Mountain Dew cans* Okey dokey, kiddies, I've got an announcement to make!  
  
Rose: You're finally ending this fic so I can go slit my throat in peace?  
  
Striker: Pfft, fat chance.  
  
Kongol: Kongol can go potty?  
  
Striker: Nope.  
  
Kongol: _ Ooooohhh...  
  
Striker: On second thought, GO. Quickly.  
  
Meru: CANDY?  
  
Striker: No.  
  
Miranda: @#$%?  
  
Striker: *shudder* No thank you.  
  
Doel: Will you just get ON with whatever it is? I must wreak havoc!  
  
Striker: Okey dokey, I felt as though this fic was dragging a bit, so I decided to hurry up the journey to Canada to get my moose.  
  
Doel: And HOW exactly do you plan to do that?  
  
Striker: Simple! With Hyper-Ultra-Super-Wow-That's-Very-Very-Very-Fast-Holy- #$%^-We're-Gonna-Die Speed!  
  
Haschel: Why do I not like the sound of that?  
  
Dart: Excellent!  
  
Striker: Let us ride to the cockpit!  
  
Dart: O_o Ride what?  
  
Striker: *smack*  
  
************************************************************************  
  
(Servi: Yes, I'm narrator in this godforsaken fic now too. Striker is followed by Dart, Lavitz, and Doel, who are the only ones brave enough to enter the front of the RV when Striker's about to engage something called "Hyper-Ultra-Super-Wow-That's-Very-Very-Very-Fast-Holy-#$%^-We're-Gonna-Die Speed".)  
  
Rayen: *humming as he drives*  
  
Striker: *kicks the door down, for no other reason besides he likes causing destruction and for dramatic effect* Move over, Rayen. Your shift's over.  
  
Rayen: Already? Whose turn is it now?  
  
Striker: *demonic grin* Mine.  
  
Rayen: But you're not old enough to drive...  
  
Striker: Bah, that won't matter in a minute. Besides you think I'm going to trust any of you with Hyper-Ultra-Super-Wow-That's-Very-Very-Very-Fast-Holy- #$%^-We're-Gonna-Die Speed?  
  
Rayen: Uh-oh...  
  
Dart: Ah, just sit back and watch the world come to an end. It's not our dimension, why should we care?  
  
Rayen: *shrugs and moves*  
  
Striker: Eeeexcellent. *opens the glove compartment*  
  
Rayen: O_o Dude, that's the glove compartment.  
  
Striker: Duh. *points to above line, and shoves all the owner's manuals and random junk to one side, revealing a keypad on which he begins typing a 247- digit passcode*  
  
Doel: *trying to follow code for further diabolic use, but loses it after digit 36* Feh.  
  
Striker: *finishes code, and keypad withdraws into the glove compartment, and a single keyhole pops up*  
  
Dart: Spiffy...  
  
Striker: *pulls lockbox out of his pocket, whispers secret password into the voice-recognition software which disengages the lock, and he opens the lockbox to reveal the key*  
  
Lavitz: Talk about maximum security...  
  
Striker: *inserts the key in the hole and twists, and a blue button pops up*  
  
Dart: What, that's it?  
  
Striker: What do you mean?  
  
Dart: You did all that for one lousy button? It's not even big! You think there'd at least be a big flashing panel or something! Besides, the button's blue! Those buttons are supposed to be red. Dramatic buttons are always red! For someone who kicks down doors for dramatic effect, you don't know much about this sort of thing, do you?  
  
Striker: Give it a rest. Besides, I like blue. *pushes it, and a loud bang sounds from somewhere in the engine's general vicinity*  
  
Dart: What, no flashing lights, no sudden makeover of the driver's seat?  
  
Striker: Dart?  
  
Dart: Yes?  
  
Striker: Shut up.  
  
Dart: *pouts*  
  
Striker: Right. *jumps into the driver's seat* Here we go!  
  
Lavitz: He's got that maniacal glint in his eyes again...  
  
Rayen: Creator preserve us...  
  
Striker: WEEDOG! *hits the gas, and the RV suddenly bursts into motion at about 70 bajillion miles per hour*  
  
Rayen: Holy #$%^, we're gonna die!  
  
Dart: Yep, that's what it's called.  
  
Doel: *can't reach Dart because he's pressed against the wall in abject terror* Idiot.  
  
Striker: *RV makes a loud crashing noise and he looks out the window* Hmm. We're in Seattle. I hope they won't be needing that Space Needle...  
  
Lavitz: You totalled the Space Needle?  
  
Striker: . Nooooo...  
  
Rayen: What happens when the cops catch up to us?  
  
Striker: Catch up with this? Not likely. *turns left and hits the gas again, stopping after about 5 seconds* Well, here we are. Somewhere in British Columbia. Now let's find a moose.  
  
Lavitz: Wait, what do you mean, 'somewhere'?  
  
Striker: Please. When you're traveling this fast, pinpointing location isn't the easiest thing to do. Now, I need two expendable people to go and get me a moose. Because I can revive pretty much anyone, that's not much of a problem. Dart and Doel, you're elected.  
  
Dart: Sweet.  
  
Doel: *grumble*  
  
Striker: *hands them both a syringe* Just get the DNA and get out.  
  
Dart and Doel: *leave*  
  
Striker: *blink* Hey, has anyone seen Albert?  
  
Miranda: $%^&, are you some sort of #$%^ing MORON? *points to the Serdian king, who is STILL attached to her midsection*  
  
Striker: Ah. *ahem* Pardon, Your Majesty, but the title of the supermarket chain is purely coincidental and relates to your fatherhood in no way whatsoever. Therefore, your esteemed Silver Dragon Knight comrade respectfully requests for you to release her abdomen.  
  
Albert: *lets go* Affirmative. A slight misconception.  
  
Haschel: OK, how did you do that?  
  
Striker: Why do you people always avoid the obvious solution? Besides, you just have to put it into Albert-speak.  
  
Miranda: *celebrates her newfound freedom prancing about sniffing flowers*  
  
Striker: O_o Disturbing.  
  
************************************************************************  
  
(Servi: Meanwhile, with Dart and Doel...)  
  
Dart: There's one! *points to moose*  
  
Doel: Right. Go get it.  
  
Dart: What about you?  
  
Doel: I'll wait until you get trampled, thanks.  
  
Dart: OK! *blink, pause* Hey, wait a second...  
  
Doel: *takes advantage of Dart's incredibly short attention span and points to moose* Moose. Fetch.  
  
Dart: *blink* Oh yeah! *dresses in a black SWAT team uniform, smears face in black paint, and starts hopping through the nearby trees*  
  
Doel: *sighs*  
  
Dart: *jumps down from above tree on top of moose, holding syringe like a spear* AYIYIYIYIYIYIIIIIIIIIIIIII!  
  
(Servi: The moose waits for about two seconds before chucking the insane pyro off its back.)  
  
Doel: *walks over to moose, inserts syringe, then walks over to where Dart fell, with the moose standing docilely behind him* Idiot.  
  
Dart: Well, ANYONE could have done that...  
  
************************************************************************  
  
(Servi: Dart and Doel return to the R.V.)  
  
Striker: Excellent. *zaps DNA off to lab for future experiments in psychopathic genetics*  
  
Rayen: OK, so what now?  
  
Striker: Simple. We must now fix the broken Caps Lock key.  
  
Lavitz: Oh yeah... I forgot about that.  
  
Striker: Anyway, to fix it, we need an emperor penguin, a kielbasa, and a waffle iron. Then we take those to a computer repair shop to fix the key.  
  
Albert: How would a flightless bird that makes its habitat in subzero temperatures, an Eastern European sausage, and a kitchen appliance aid us in any concievable way to repair our labor-saving keyboard extention?  
  
All:...  
  
Dart: What?  
  
Striker: He said, 'How will a penguin, a kielbasa, and a waffle iron help us fix the Caps Lock key?'  
  
Albert: Indeed.  
  
Striker: Technology works in mysterious ways... *wiggles fingers* Anyway, off to Antartica!  
  
Lavitz: Oh Soa...  
  
Striker: *hits gas* VROOM!  
  
Rayen: Hey, what happens when we hit the ocean?  
  
Striker: *pauses* You know, I hadn't thought of that.  
  
Greham: We're doomed...  
  
Author's Note: Yes, I finally finished that. Mwahaha... fear me. Yes. Review! 


	11. Mallow Senses and Sidewalk Pizzas

Author's Note: I got jealous of Freefall having a comedy with ONE more review than me (normally, I don't care that much, but since they had the same number of chapters and all, it just bugged me), so I decided to get off my lazy ass and hurry up with this chapter.  
Chapter 11  
  
(Servi: Yeah. The RV is travelling across the earth at a stupidly hazardous speed, while the author is clutching the wheel like a psycho. Oh wait, scratch that, he IS a psycho. Nevermind.)  
  
Striker: WHOOOSH! Nyahah.  
  
Meru: *bolts straight upwards* My mallow sense is tingling!  
  
Greham: What the hell is that supposed to mean?  
  
Meru: Marshmallows! ^_^  
  
Dart: O_o She's able to detect marshmallows when we're going 60 bajillion miles per hour?  
  
Albert: Bajillion is not a number.  
  
Dart: -_- Albert, shut up.  
  
RV: *crashes into a marshmallow* *spirals into air*  
  
Albert: I am currently perplexed by the fact that despite the numerous other objects we must have plowed into of much greater on this trajectory, a marshmallow is somehow enough to send the heavy recreational vehicle skyrocketing.  
  
RV: *goes flying*  
  
Striker: *holding onto the steering wheel as everything spins* Holy mother of the Almighty Bob!  
  
Dart: *not holding onto anything, and is therefore flying around the RV bumping into things* Hey, this is kinda fun.  
  
Lavitz: I think I'm going to hurl...  
  
Meru: *also bumping into things, despite the fact that she could easily use her wings to stabilize herself* WHEE! ^______________________^  
  
Doel: *glaring at everyone from where he has been Velcroed to the wall to prevent him from wreaking havoc in an RV that has passed the speed of sound* Morons.  
  
Lloyd: *flies out the window, where a loud crunching noise is heard*  
  
Striker: Oops. Did I do that?  
  
Shana: *also flies out of window, where she is immediately devoured by a ravenous swarm of gnats*  
  
Greham: Gnats? Are you running out of animals to eat her or something?  
  
Striker: Of course not. Gnats are just creative.  
  
Rayen: Soa preserve us, he's feeling creative.  
  
Striker: -_- Hey, I created YOU when I was feeling creative.  
  
Rayen: Hard to comprehend, isn't it?  
  
Striker: If I weren't afraid to let go of the wheel right now, I'd smack you.  
  
Greham: Shouldn't we have landed by now?  
  
Albert: It is my belief that because of our incredible momentum when striking the offensive ball of sugar-  
  
Meru: MARSHMALLOW!  
  
Albert: Yes... if I may resume?  
  
Meru: *hits the refridgerator* WHEE!  
  
Albert: I'll take that as an affirmative... picking up from where I was interrupted, due to our amazing speed upon impact with the 'marshmallow', I surmise that we must have been hurled to a very high altitude and will probably continue to fall until the acceleration of gravity causes the recreational vehicle to reach terminal velocity in which case we will crash to the ground which will probably result in the death of all present.  
  
Rayen: We don't necessarily need to reach terminal velocity before hitting the ground.  
  
Lavitz: *manages to speak despite the fact that he's trying not to puke* You actually understand what he says?  
  
Rayen: More or less.  
  
Albert: True, but approximating our height, I would express my opinion that it is a very probable possibility.  
  
Rayen: I suppose.  
  
Doel: If I weren't stuck to this @#$%ing wall, I'd smack you both.  
  
Striker: I understood what he said.  
  
All: *ignore*  
  
Striker: .- Sometimes I wonder why I keep you people around.  
  
Haschel: *comes flying out of the bathroom*  
  
Lavitz: What is UP with you and that goddamn bathroom?  
  
All: *gasp*  
  
Lavitz: Oh no...  
  
Meru: FROGGIE STICK! ^________________________^  
  
Striker: Bob, that smile is annoying.  
  
Meru: ^______________________________________________________________________^  
  
Striker: *smacks Meru*  
  
Meru: Meanie.  
  
Striker: Blah blah blah.  
  
Greham: *has managed to get a hold of a window* Hey, I think we may be landing soon.  
  
Miranda: This #$^#ing thing isn't @!@#ing SUPPOSED to @#%^ing land!  
  
Kongol: Kongol got gas.  
  
Lavitz: Oh hell... *heads over to the open window and hurls*  
  
(Servi: Meanwhile, somewhere in France...)  
  
Random French Guy: *gets hit by Lavitz's sidewalk pizza* *falls over* I surrender!  
  
(Servi: Yes, that was pointless and stupid and mean to the French people. Typical something for the author to do.)  
  
Striker: Don't make me sic Aer on you with the dandruff.  
  
(Servi: ...)  
  
Striker: Damn right, boy. Are we gonna hit yet?  
  
Greham: Eh, not yet.  
  
Striker: Screw this. *speeds up the fall, because he's the author and he can*  
  
Miranda: Are you @#$#ing @$#% INSANE?  
  
Striker: Yes. Why do you ask?  
  
Miranda: @#$# %##@ $@$# #$#$ $@%@ #$$# %@#%!  
  
RV: Hey, I get a part in this chapter! *really loud explosion noise* BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!  
  
(Servi: The dust settles, but unfortunately for the rest of creation, the author and Dragoons remain unharmed.)  
  
Lavitz: *looks up from where the window once was* What just happened?  
  
Greham: Nevermind that, did the RV just TALK?  
  
Striker: Maybe, but we'll never know. Poor RV went BOOM. Pretty fire, though.  
  
Dart: *wearing this half sane grin* Fiiiiiire...  
  
Striker: I think he hit one too many household appliances...  
  
Greham: Are you telling me that we lost the RV, our only transportation out of here, wherever here IS, and all our food along with it?  
  
Striker: Yep. But it made a cool explosion.  
  
Lavitz: *running off in the background* Stay away from me!  
  
Meru: FROGGIE STICK! *waving the Froggie Stick of Punishment around as she chases Lavitz* You shall be froggiefied!  
  
Greham: So what are we supposed to do now?  
  
Striker: Simple. We live in the wilderness, eating nothing but grass and whatever small furry animals we can find until we go insane from hunger and start cannibalizing each other.  
  
Doel: *is no longer inhibited by Velcro, due to the fact that there is no longer a wall to be Velcroed to* I say we eat him first.  
  
Striker: Pfft, fat chance. I'm the author.  
  
Albert: Speaking of which, couldn't you just use your magic and conjure up enough food for everyone to eat?  
  
Striker: I COULD, but what would be the fun in that?  
  
Greham: Yeah, we'll eat him first.  
  
Striker: Let's go exploring for no reason!  
  
Doel: Or we could not.  
  
Striker: But we may find food! Or cows...  
  
Doel: *eye twitch* COWS? But are there even cows out here?  
  
Striker: We don't even know where here IS. Who's to say there aren't any cows?  
  
Doel: *blink* OK, I'm convinced. We're going exploring. Anyone who objects will suffer a gooey death at my hands. *stomps off*  
  
All: *follow*  
  
Lavitz: Hey, aren't you the one with the rock that's got godly power in it and stuff?  
  
Rayen: Uh, yeah...  
  
Lavitz: So why are you listening to him?  
  
Rayen: Cow Man scares me...  
  
Lavitz: *remembers the burnt carcass incident* Yeah, nevermind.  
  
Shana: *revived and immediately eaten by an okapi*  
  
Greham: What the hell is an okapi?  
  
Albert: An okapi is a hoofed quadraped with a front end resembling that of an antelope and a back end resembling that of a zebra, which is also closely related to the...  
  
Greham: Nevermind.  
  
Lloyd: *whine* I hate this. My feet hurt!  
  
Striker: *shoots Lloyd, revives, stabs Lloyd, revives, impales Lloyd, revives, beats Lloyd into bloody pulp, and revives*  
  
Lloyd: You know, if I worked at it really hard, I could probably hate you.  
  
Striker: Pfft, nobody has to work to hate you. You're such a total loser you do the job for them.  
  
Miranda: Where the $@#% is @%$^ !@#$# lady?  
  
Striker: Who, Rose? I seem to remember her jumping out of the RV with a parachute and yelling something like 'So long, suckers'.  
  
Dart: Figures.  
  
Mysterious Voices: Moooooooo.  
  
Doel: COWS! *starts running blindly into the foliage*  
  
All: *dragged behind the crazed bovine slayer by some unseen force*  
  
Greham: We're doomed.  
  
Striker: Don't you say that enough?  
  
Author's Note: Yay. Done. Shutting up. 


	12. Stampeding Rhinos and Cow Statues

Author's Note: Yes, I updated! Quiver in fear, foolish mortals.  
  
I could be nice to Lloyd if I really wanted to, but what would be the fun in that?  
  
IWA, any free chance to put Lloyd through as many gory deaths as possible is good enough for me. Sign me up.  
  
STRIKER GETS LOST AGE TODAY! *waves the cartridge he's gonna get as soon as Babbage's calls in front of Steel's face, just to be evil* Don't you tackle me again.  
  
Chapter 12  
  
(Servi: Yeah. The group, minus Rose who seems to have mysteriously disappeared, is still wandering around the wilderness in the middle of Soa- knows-where, and... oh hell. Screw it. Elaborating further is not worth what I'm getting paid for this job. I need a smoke. *lights a cigarette*)  
  
Lavitz: Dad, have you been dipping into my stash again?  
  
Servi: Shut up. You're grounded.  
  
Lavitz: ...Damn.  
  
Servi: I love doing that. Anyway, a loud rumbling sound is heard.  
  
Lloyd: It's an earthquake! WE'RE GONNA DIE!  
  
Rayen: O_o Haven't you died enough to stop being afraid of it?  
  
Lloyd: *huddled on the ground sucking his thumb*  
  
Dart: Wimp.  
  
Rayen: Remember when you ran away because Striker told you that I spoke to your ghost in the future?  
  
Dart: THat waS TOtAlLY DIfFeREnT! *kicks keyboard* Stupid Caps Lock key!  
  
Albert: I am quite doubtful that striking the keyboard with your foot would in any way result in its repair. Indeed, it is actually quite the opposite, for it is actually more likely to damage it further.  
  
Dart: How many times do I have to light your cape on fire before you learn to shut up?  
  
Greham: Obviously at least one more than you already have.  
  
Dart: Good. Otherwise I'd lose one of my favorite targets.  
  
Haschel: Anybody else smell something burning?  
  
Lloyd: *stops his disgusting blubbering long enough to notice that his hair is on fire* O_O My hair! *runs in circles, which happens to place him in the path of the rumbling sound, which happens to be a herd of stampeding rhinos* *squashed*  
  
Shana: *magically appears in front the stampede as well, simply because the unwritten laws of Striker humor fanfiction dictate that when any animal is stampeding, rabid, or under any condition where it would harm a character, Shana must be at least one of the recipients of said harm*  
  
Dart: O_o Since when did the action bubbles start talking in Albert-speak?  
  
Albert: *ignores Dart* Odd, the rhinoceroses should not be migrating during this period of the year...  
  
Striker: *wanders back to the group, hiding the cattle prod behind his back* Did I miss anything?  
  
Kongol: Wingly and animal lady get gooshed.  
  
Striker: O_o He really doesn't get it, does he?  
  
Greham: Nope.  
  
Lavitz: Get away from me!  
  
Meru: Froggie Stick!  
  
Striker: Enough of this. *revives Lloyd, then smacks everyone* Listen up, morons! We're going to find Doel.  
  
Albert: I resent being called a moron.  
  
Striker: Yeah, yeah, we all know you're a genius. The 'morons' was added for dramatic effect.  
  
Dart: *eye twitch* WhaT WouLd YoU kNOw *gives up and kicks the keyboard again* about dramatic effect? Your button was BLUE!  
  
Striker: Give it a rest, Dart.  
  
(Servi: Yeah, later, whatever. *lights up again*)  
  
Lavitz: DAD!  
  
Greham: Get over it.  
  
Lavitz: Hey, look who's talking, Mr. I Kill My Best Friend Just Because I'm Jealous Because He's Better Than Me And Because Some Emperor Feeds Me A Totally Bogus Story.  
  
Greham: Oh sure, you had to bring THAT up.  
  
Striker: Lloyd! Stop lagging behind! *shocks the Wingly with the cattle prod* Hey, this IS fun... speed up, loser! *shocks him again*  
  
Lloyd: I'm at the front of the goddamn line.  
  
Striker: Er... Lloyd! Shut up! *shocks*  
  
Lloyd: Damn it!  
  
All: *gasps*  
  
Lloyd: Oh no...  
  
Meru: FROGGIE STICK!  
  
Haschel: How come the Caps Lock works for her?  
  
Greham: Because she talks so loud that she doesn't need the key.  
  
Haschel: Oh.  
  
Lavitz: HA! I'm off the hook.  
  
Miranda: Lucky @#$%#^&...  
  
Meru: *smacks Lloyd with the Froggie Stick*  
  
Lloyd: *froggified* .- Ribbit.  
  
Striker: Heeeeeey... frogs explode when they're shocked...  
  
Lloyd: O_O  
  
(Servi: Insert gooey explosion that will not be described in detail because this fic is in script format here.)  
  
Striker: *revives Lloyd again* Right. Onward, into the mysterious, dark, and scary-looking forest that the mooing sound conveniently came from.  
  
Greham: Wait a second... this could be a trap!  
  
Dart: Perceptive little bugger, isn't he?  
  
All: *charge into the trees, only to find...*  
  
Lloyd: What the hell?  
  
Doel: OK, first one to get me out of here gets exemption from me hurting them.  
  
(Servi: Doel is tied to a crossbar that's being rotated over a roasting pit, surrounded by a bunch of mooing guys in masks that are waving spears in front of a gigantic cow statue.)  
  
Dart: A tribe of African cow-worshipping cannibals. Wow. You've really outdone yourself this time.  
  
Striker: I know. Quite proud of it, too. Now then. *starts talking in gibberish that I won't type out because I'm lazy and I don't feel like it right now* (Translation: The one with the silver hair and red eyes is very good when roasted slowly over a very hot fire and is low in LDL cholesterol. That's the bad kind.)  
  
Cannibal Chief: Grab them!  
  
Dart: What, they can talk in English?  
  
Striker: You mean to tell me that I spent 3 days learning obscure African tribal dialect for nothing? *growls*  
  
Cannibals: *slice Doel free and grab Lloyd and Meru*  
  
Striker: Oops, I didn't specify which one. Hold on. Just the stupid one, not the belly dancer, she's got too much sugar to be healthy.  
  
Cannibals: *toss Meru back towards the group*  
  
Striker: Yeah, thanks.  
  
Cannibal Chief: Why do we eat people?  
  
Cannibals: Because the cow tells us to!  
  
Cow Statue: *is silent*  
  
Striker: Right. O_o  
  
Doel: Morons.  
  
Lloyd: I hate you all.  
  
Striker: Tell it to somebody who cares. Right, time to go.  
  
Lloyd: You can't just leave me here!  
  
Striker: O_o Watch me.  
  
Lloyd: I'll get my revenge, just wait.  
  
Striker: Yeah, right. Like you can do anything to me.  
  
Dart: What now?  
  
Striker: We wander north. Since we're somewhere in Africa, Poland's to the north, and that's where we find kielbasa.  
  
Dart: Can I start a brush fire?  
  
Striker: *sigh* A small one.  
  
Dart: What are tomorrow's winning lottery numbers?  
  
Striker: 5, 37, 12... hey, wait a second.  
  
Dart: Damn.  
  
Meru: FROGGIE STICK!  
  
Dart: Oh hell. At least let me start the brush fire first.  
  
Lavitz: O_o Hey... whatever happened to Rose?  
  
Striker: Well, we could switch to wherever she is just to find out, but I don't feel like it right now, so you'll have to wait until next chapter.  
  
Author's Note: Breaking news update... STRIKER STILL GETS LOST AGE BEFORE STEEL! Mwahahahaha. 


End file.
